月曜日, 9月 26, 2005
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I wander in this world alone.
With no hope, with no future.
Everything I see is dark.
Even my mind, even my heart.
I put in so much effort, blood and sweat.
And yet, I get nothing, nothing of worth.
What is the point of it all?
It only brings pain, it only brings tears.
My heart hurts, my head aches.
When will I be free?
My mind echos "Never."
Is the only answer death?
Death is unadvoidable, and it can be hastened.
People go to hell for this sad crime.
I don't mind.
I am doomed for eternal hell.
No one sees my pain.
No one knows my sorrow.
I'd really hate to live through tomorrow.
I live trapped in the darkness of my own mind.
I wallow in the prison built with my pain.
Tomorrow strikes fear.
I am afraid.
It is strange.
As I fear nothing, nothing but myself.
Save me.
Someone please.
Save me.
Save me from myself.
Aileen
I wrote this when I was feeling a little blue in Miss Thong's class. It may not be very happy-fied, but it's nice isn't it? haha... By the way, do not steal it please! All of my poems are part of my soul.
*written @ 9:30 午後.
水曜日, 9月 21, 2005
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Anyway, let's talk about exams. We all hate them. But the stupid people who insist we have them swear upon their life that they are useful. Excuse me?! Did you mean that learning a bunch of stuff that you won't even remember in time to come is actually useful? Oh pish. In kindergarden and primary school, everyone lies to us. Saying that each of us is unique and special. Have you ever asked this :"If everyone was special, what's so special about being special?" It's so contradicting. I hate slogging for exams! It's so... And I have to put up with people being bitchy to me! And I always have to put up with Mr Cheng's "If you want to fail, I am just going to let you!" Yeah... like anything he says is useful and informative. Fine. Let's not talk about it being informative. It's not even interesting or worth listening to! I can only say this here. If my sister heard me say that, she would just give me a huge lecture that I am not very smart either. Which to me, she's indirectly calling me stupid. Alright, one sister calls me stupid indirectly, my Dad just makes me feel useless, my Mum used to make me feel like some disgusting creature that doesn't deserve to walk this earth, and my other sister just calls me stupid to my face.
I don't know. Am I supposed to feel grateful that I have all my faults spilled out in front of me? I seriously wonder where have all my talents gone to? Why does everyone (almost everyone) like me except for my family? Nevermind. It's ok. I'll soon be alone anyway. There was this one time when I tried to slit my wrist with a penknife. Then I decided that suicide was wrong. So I decided that I would just jay walk more recklessly and try my luck of getting killed by a car. I almost succeeded, twice. Almost but not quite. The first time, Kelly pulled me back. The second, Eileen did. I was so angry! I still am actually! I was this close to getting my chance of achieving peace! How could they do this to me!?
I keep having headaches. They are quite bad. I sincerely hope that I'm growing a tumour in my brain. Then I'll really be stupid. And useless. People want me to be like that! Don't I have any merits? Anything good about me? No. I guess not.
Actually, I was supposed to be bitching about Maia. Ah well... no mood for it now.
*written @ 9:12 午後.
火曜日, 9月 13, 2005
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Anyway, I kept referring to Monday as doomsday but it really wasn't that bad. I only failed one subject! And only by one mark. I am quite disappointed actually. Because I really really studied super hard for this common test. Hm... Maybe that's the reason I find that I did alright.
I remember that in primary school, we used to compare how many 100s and 90s we got. Now, we compare how many subjects we managed to pass. And the government wants to make us "all-rounded" students? In my opinion, they are trying to reduce Singapore's population even more. Do you know how many students commit suicide over stress or academic results? I bet that we have one of the highest suicide rate in teens. I conclude that if they are not trying to kill us all, they are trying to drive us all insane.
What is with the you HAVE to get A1 for english maths and science to be able to have a bright future? What if you have the most fantastic gift for art but you have to drop it in order to pass your maths english and science? What happened to developing your own talent. Singapore having the best educational system? I don't think so!
No wonder people can say that Singapore is soulless and the people are only after material persuits. Why are we proving these people right?
*written @ 8:38 午後.
日曜日, 9月 04, 2005
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The service was pretty boring. But the people were great! Haha... They were so fun! Hm... Let's see who I remember. There was Iza, Alysia, Angie, Melissa, Serene, Ian, Bryan, Shanon, Aaron, Shawn, Joshua, Amanda, Willy. Well, that's all the names that I remember. Haha... There are people that I remember, but I can't recall their names.
After service, all the youths were supposed to go to changi village to play captain's ball. But it was raining very heavily. So, in we couldn't play. However, we decided to go for lunch. Haha.. Cheryl and I shared a bowl of pawn noodles. But we only ate the noodles. Hahaha... I was sitting beside Bryan and was astonished at the way he wolfed down his food. At first, he just ordered bak ku te (however you spell it) When he finished that, he was still hungry. So, Cheryl and I gave him all our prawns. I almost spit out my food when he asked me, "Will you peel my prawns for me?" Hahaha... Of course I said no. He got someone else to peel them for him in the end. After he finished eating all of the prawns from Cheryl and I, he was still hungry! So Cheryl and I shoved the rest of our noodles to him. He finished that, and still ordered another bowl for himself! Can you imagine?! Shanon was very gentlemanly. When Ian and this guy (Can't remember his name) got their noodles first, he was like, "give it to the girls!" And when they didn't he tsk tsked at them. Hahaha...
When we all finished eating, we all went back to church. There were auditions going on for the christmas play and many people wanted to audition. But before that, we all had some fun making a tight circle around this girl and trapping her. Haha... But the guys suddenly saw how much fun we were having and made a circle around the girls without us knowing! When we discovered it, all the girls started bumping everywhere. Until Cheryl stumbled. That was when they decided to stop. When all the girls were waiting for their turn to audition, Cheryl and I went to play captain's ball with the guys. Not really captain's ball, but basketball/volleyball/rugby/soccer. Cheryl and I weren't really needed, so we more or less just grabbed the ball when we could.
After that, we all went to Amanda's and Joshua's house to bathe and change (They are siblings). I was really wet, so I borrowed Amanda's shirt and socks. All the girls were in her room spraying perfume and playing with make-up. I was kinda grossed out by the smell, so I went to watch the guys play play-station rugby. At first I thought that it was soccer. I was just watching blindly. Haha.... but when Willy got sick of Ian complaining that he couldn't understand anything, he said "Look at the girl! She can understand what! You lousy!" Haha... Little did he know that I didn't understand a thing.
We all went to Raffles city to study. I finished my chinese. Hahaha... at least I got something done. And I discovered that Bryan stays near me! And he obliged sending me to church every week! So nice eh? Hahaha...
Anyway, I am really tired now...
*written @ 8:31 午後.
