月曜日, 1月 30, 2006

It seems that I am perpetually pissed. I mean, what is wrong with this people!?

My sister asked me if I wanted to go watch Memoirs of a Geisha again today. I said ok, because the first time I watched it, I missed almost the whole first part. But then, I had tuition. So she told me "AFTER YOUR TUITION THEN YOU MEET US THERE LOR." So I ended my tuition at twelve (the show was at one) I messaged her that I was going to shower and change before I went. She didn't reply, so I ASSUMED she knew. Then I bathed and changed and started on my way to Tampines Mall. I had to walk in the sun and get all sweaty and then I still had to wait for the train. You'ed think that in the half hour I took to do everything, she would actually called. Or maybe, you would think that she could have called EARLIER. I'm just a speed dial away! How difficult can it be? But no... She had to call when the train had come and when I was just going to board it. I was told to go home. Not that difficult... you might think. As a result of not going anywhere, I couldn't get through the stupid barrier at mrt stations. It kept beeping and beeping and beeping. I got pissed so I just snuck through someone elses.

Couldn't you have like called earlier!? Now my face is pain caused it got stung by the sun! (My skin allergy flared up yesterday)

Why are people like that?

*written @ 1:01 午後.

日曜日, 1月 29, 2006

You are a beautiful person,you think deeply about
things you say that may be why people think
youre quite,you are probably spiritual in one
way or another,you are talented you may not
play a instrument or be really good at
art,but just being you is a talent!you are quite optimistic in life, but being shy or
afraid may hold you back and stop you making
the most of life,dont be,at school you may be
in a outcast group or a 'tree
hugger'(remember thats not a insult its a
compliment).you may be a bit lost in life not
exactly knowing who you are,but no matter
what, you are very special!!and will have a
beautiful,magickal life.(my result)

What kind of person are you?!! (Beautiful anime pics and v.detailed results)
brought to you by Quizilla

*written @ 5:28 午後.

土曜日, 1月 28, 2006

*Ahem* Hi. My name is Aileen. I am almost 16 years old. I love council! It’s the greatest love of my life! I love everyone in it and most of all, I love the teacher!

*Sniggers* Yeah, they wish! I hate council and I am very proud of it. So there! The more they try to make me like it, the more I’ll hate it. I listen to no one, and I’ll do what I think is right. You know what? Mr Sim actually told Mrs Neo (Principal) about my blog! Thanks lots man! This just makes things a little more interesting. I find it incredibly amusing that I have to go through all this because I wrote, “I hate council”. I wonder, what is he hoping Mrs Neo will do? Suspend me? Ban me from blogging? Force me to like council? Ha! What a joke. Let me tell you this, she can’t do anything to me! A bit disappointed? I thought so… Well, technically, I didn’t do anything wrong! I didn’t say anything racist and I didn’t call any of my teachers bitches or bastards. All I said was, “I hate council”.

And really! I do! I never lied about it, neither have I twisted it to mean something different. If I want to hate council, I will hate council! Can’t I hate what I want? You can’t possibly stop a dog from hating cats right? *Sheesh* I seriously cannot believe that someone thought to be so mature, can actually be so narrow minded and juvenile. Mrs Neo didn’t even have a very big reaction to it! She just asked “How can a councillor hate council?” I’ll answer a question with another question, “Do all people like their jobs?” No right? Or “Do students dislike school?” Well obviously the answer is yes. Not everyone likes their jobs because after doing it for so long, they get tired of it and wind up resenting it. It is pretty much the same for council. Most of the teachers don’t like councillors anyway. I wonder what that teacher is going to do, tell Mrs Neo? I’m the only councillor that people actually like! (Well, in the express stream) It’s because, I don’t bug them for every single thing that they do. Mrs Neo also said “If you’re unhappy, you can go find Mr Sim.”. Now, why would I look for the source of my unhappiness when I’m unhappy?

I find it a pathetic that a reason for all the fuss is the words “I hate council.” It’s so silly! Plus, it’s such a trivial thing to kick up a fuss about. Although I am a little sore at Jia Yu for making this known to the whole school, I don’t really blame her for speaking up. Although, I am still pissed that she didn’t take this up with me first. However, Mr Sim didn’t really have to call my sister and disturb her over this teeny weeny matter did he? Absolutely not. When he called, thank heaven that my sister had enough of a brain and maturity to give him a piece of her mind. No one can get me in trouble because what I am blogging is not illegal at all. If anyone wants to give me any trouble over this, I can always say that I didn’t lie. My family supports me because they can see that this incident is so childish! And that I have freedom of speech to say what I hate. *Neah neah neah*

Wearing the tie with a closed collar all the time is extremely suffocating! Is it wrong to loosen it so that I will be more comfortable during lesson and not feel that I’m dying of suffocation? It’s not like I took it out and hung it on the fan or anything like that. *Sheesh*

Besides, most of the upper sec students think of councillors as the dogs of Dunman. Which is true most of the time… I mean, to go down for formal duty is very tiring and it uses up a lot of time which could be used for something else. We have to get up really early just to get to school on time for briefing. For girls, its even more difficult, because me have to wear stockings! Stockings are really torturous… And good luck to you if your stocking tears. So we stand there, in long sleeves, stockings and court shoes for hours and hours. Pity the guys who have to do traffic in long sleeves and long pants. After we go through all that, what do we get? Scolding! For what? For taking to long a break, for being disorganized, for not being there when people arrive late. Can the ex-cos evaluate themselves first before picking on us? All they do is walk around and snap at us if we’re not doing things right. Sure they have to wear a blazer, but is it really necessary to snap at us so often?

Oh whatever. I hate council.

*written @ 10:31 午前.

水曜日, 1月 25, 2006

I sometimes ask myself, "Who am I?" Even I don't know the answer. To me, life is a never-ending search for that answer. I feel so confused, so lost. No one will save me from myself, no one. Although I have only been around for 15 plus years, I know that life does not revolve around us alone.

I shed tears for myself, which is rather misleading, as it is not myself that I hurt. I mean, I do, but not through the cruelty of other people.

Ever since Jia Yu revealed my blog to Mr Sim, I've felt so naked. My soul stripped bare for everyone to see. This wasn't what I wanted at all. My soul is only for me to judge, for me and me alone to dictate. I am nobody, I know that. I try to find solace in God as people do in my pain.

I don't know what makes me ache, or what makes me sad this way. I don't know my pain. And yet, I feel it. I feel it so intensely, throbbing inside me. It torments my mind and I can't do a single thing about it.

The blog incident hurt me bad. It really did. It was like someone forbidding me to be... me. My thoughts aren't up for anyone to see, they are only human and only mine. What I am in my world and what I am out there is entirely different. How dare people look into my soul, my head and judge me for it? People who see the two different people inside of me are people whom I trust. People who keep my forbidden secrets without judgement, without doubt, are people who are worthy of facing me and themselves. How can you betray someone when you are so different? To betray without understanding, without knowing is something done without honour and without respect for thyself.

Do you know what it's like to have so many different voices and thoughts in one head? No, you did not betray me, you betrayed us. I am more than one person, more than one face. It's not meaning that I have a personality disorder but I change so often. From happy to sad, to evil, to insane. I just can't see me anymore. In my dreams, I see faces of people who I have never met. They look so familiar, but I can never place it.

Memories huant me, and they won't leave me alone. The pain, the struggle to be accepted, the struggle to always be the best, it leaves a scar in me. I try to seek peace, but I can't. I have committed a great sin-the unwillingness to forgive. I can't forgive myself. What have I done? I don't know. The pain that I have caused myself, the pain inflicted on other people.

My hands are stained with blood. My blood. My humanity is going. Just like the crimson flowing from my wrists. I bleed, just as you bleed. Can't you see?

I have no identity, I don't know who I am. My pain is far too humiliating to be shown outside. I must keep it within me, to myself. Never trust anyone but yourself.

Although teachers seem to care, I know that they really don't. All he wants to do is pry. And after he pries, he calls your sister and condems you. I can't forget it, I won't. How do people like that put up with themselves? I refuse to be put in a cage by a teacher like that. I live free. Alone, yes, but free. That's all that matters. That teacher is a liar! He pretended to care, and he judged me over one stupid paragraph. He doesn't have the right to feel sad. No one told him who he couldn't be. As a result of his interference, I have lost my freedom of thought. I can't speak freely for I know that he will pry. Please, don't be kind to people when you have given me so much pain. I can see it in my eyes even if you can't. You never had to tell me about my betrayal, but you did. You made me suspect my friends! I felt disgusting when I knew the truth. You are not fit to tell me about my misdeeds! You make me want to vomit.

Miss Thong is right. No one owes me anything. Please don't take away what I owe myself, my respect. But I can't. Not when I know that a teacher has eyes and lips which accuse me of my identity. Not when I know that I can get into trouble for being me.

Who am I? I have no idea...

*written @ 6:37 午後.


Well, since I'm on MC today and I'm pretty bored, its time for pics! I may re-vamp my blog if I feel like it later... *Grinz*

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Hm.... Woder what his so pouncy about.

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Family! Dad, me, Dawnie and Jie. Its weird that I don't look like anyone... Haha

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Dawnie and me! What are we doing?!
Haha... I love Russell! His the cutest sweetest little doggy in the world! *Realises what I just said* Oh my! I didn't know that I could ever sound so bimbotic. I will always remember the very first day I met Russell-I fell in love with him immediently. Wwww-eeelll, I wasn't really supposed to get him. I was only supposed to go and see. But like, all my other seeing escapades, I always end up getting something. =D I just give my Dad my "pretty please with sugar and cherry on top" look. So far, the only person ever that could resist that look is Josiah. Although he shifts a bit and has this look of concentration. The "Must resist, Can-not give in" look. Hahaha...
When I got back home, my mum didn't really kick up that big a fuss. (Much to my utmost surprise) When Dawnie came back, I shrieked that I got a dog, and she ran to little area and started shouting "Where?! Where?!" The irony was, Russell was looking straight right as her! That was how tiny he was. So adorable! 6 years ago, I could just scoop him up with one hand when he was being naughty. If I try that now, my arm will break.
My Dad would just pull him up by the scruff of his neck when he got in the way. If he did that now, Russell would fall right through his skin. *sigh* And he was so fluffy! My bedroom slipper used to be his best friend. It was a slipper with a tigger head on it, my sister got them from the Disney Store. He was so small, he could sleep in it! And I don't have very big feet. Russell would carry it around by its nose until all the stuffing came out. Then, my mother gave him the other slipper. -.-" ......
Des used to love him! I wonder what scared her... Haha...

*written @ 1:18 午後.

火曜日, 1月 24, 2006

I learnt a new word today! It's Misanthropist. It means, a person who hates mankind and avoids human society; pessimist, sceptic. I love it! Haha... A person who hates people. So ironic, yet so... real.

Anyway, you remember the blog thing that Mr Sim called Jie about? (Yes! He actually called my sister and told her that I wrote that I hate council and whatnot. Plus, he told her that I used bad language on my blog. Which is fuck. But I like to say it! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. =P Luckily, my sister has enought of a brain to see what a trivial matter it is.) Everybody who has read about it and heard about it has agreed on one thing-it's stupid. Like, it such a teeny weeny matter. Not really worth teachers to poke their noses into it. I only have one thing to say, I win.

Kenneth yau is so rubbish. On sunday, when we had a closing ceremony for the Adam Khoo thing, we were all offered the chance to go up on stage and talk. Most of the things we said were like "I love you mum and dad! I'm sorry for my mistakes..." But no... Kenneth Yau had to boast about how rich he was and he actually named the places which his parents took him to in the past 3 years. How brainless is that?! In case you don't know, stupid Kenneth Yau got the whole class into potential trouble. I can't really say it here, cause it's really not safe. (some teacher might come and read this and find out what we did and I'll be in trouble. AGAIN.) But if you want to know, come and ask me! I'll be more than happy to reveal his misdeeds. Haha... Let me ask something, "Is it right to tattle on a people who have been your classmates and who have treated you as one of them even though they can't stand you for 2 years?" Right. Even though he knows that both Gabriels and Wei Ming and I and Cass and Jeanette snd Maria cannot put up with him, he still tried to hang with us. So thick skinned ok! You do not hang out with the people who you tattled on. I didn't do anything but since I'm a councillor (Man, I hate council) I'll get blamed anyway. Bah!

Teachers should just stop poking their noses into the PERSONAL lives of their students. Aka, their blogs. It's ruining my blog and it's ruining my world. I refuse to abandone the blog I have used for 6 years and write under a nickname just because someone tattled on me and got me in trouble. I beg of you council loving people, leave me alone... Please... Let me write whatever I want to write.

*written @ 10:43 午後.

日曜日, 1月 22, 2006

The Adam Khoo thing is super good! It's like, it changed my life, my whole perpective of things. I'm actually looking forward to my future. Weird... The first thing I did when I came back was, study. IT'S AMAZING! Of course, it helped that one was my trainers was really cute. Haha... I mean, what's a course with no eye-candy? His name is Amin, but everyone calls him Amina. Haha... he can make all these weird faces and talk to us about porn. Hahahaha... And, he made us cry. I sobbed like crazy ok! All I could think of was how selfish and stupid I was.

There were other trainers too! They are, Gary, Danny and Wayne. But my favourite is still Amin! He made all of us laugh so hard. Gary is funny too! In a hokkien kind of funny. His from St Andrews! But his not very cute. Amin is cuter! Like, Amin has this super stern face, but when he starts talking, it seems like his whole personality changes! Cool... Danny is just... blur. His so easily distracted! But his memory is amazing! He memorised 20 words in 2 minutes! Wayne is our speed reading instructor. It kinda worked... Now I read everything super fast.

I'll miss this workshop! And Amin and Gary and Danny's stupid drawings... Hahaha...

*written @ 11:38 午後.

金曜日, 1月 20, 2006

How do people forget the things that caused them to be unhappy? How? I'm sorry, I'm just one of those people who can't. I cannot forget the pain, the unhappiness that made me who I am today. I live on the memory on the most extreme pain that I have ever suffered. That memory is also what people use to threaten me and torment me with. The time my Dad asked me, "How are you going to face your mother with results like that?!" That really cut to the bone. However, the more I try, the more I fail. The more I tell myself that life actually matters, that what I am doing actually mean something, the more I get the feeling that it doesn't. Why?

I will always remember the time when Sandra asked me "What about your mother?" and the horrible deathly silence that followed. That was a time when I felt really naked, like I was this freak show laid out for everyone to see. There was no one to protect me, no one to shield me as she looked at me expectantly for an answer. I usually just shrug it off as something harmless, and something that I have to face up to. But, for some strange reason, at that time, I couldn't. Maybe it was because I was moody, or maybe it was the fact that I was asked this in my own home. With pictures of my mother everywhere. Pictures with souless eyes and unmoving lips that would never again tell me how stupid I was. somehow me failling a test always caused a bigger reaction than when I got an A1... Arms that would never hold me and lips that would never again tell me that in her eyes, I was the most beautiful. These might be the probable reasons that caused me to choke on my tears.

In the past, I used to think and feel that I was an accident in this world. Now I know I am. I wasn't planned, I was an accident. Something that was not supposed to be. Actually, no... Maybe I was meant to be, just not by people.

They say that tomorrow, the Adam Khoo programme people are going to make us cry. I have no idea why I cry when I tell myself how pathetic I am and why I also cry when other people tell me how pathetic I am. The people who have been through the course say that we'll be told that if we are not successful, we are a waste of our parent's egg and sperm. I already know that I'm a waste of my parents' resources, I'm an accident. Besides, it doesn't mean that if you're unsuccessful, you're worthless! Just look at it this way, almost all of the people that we depend on are not successful! Like, if everyone was successful, who would clear our trash? Who would drive our cabs and buses? Who would arrange appointments for people as a living? See? If everyone saw things Adam Khoo's way, the world would crash.

I'm just feeling xian...

*written @ 9:53 午後.

木曜日, 1月 19, 2006

When it rains teardrops,
What can I do?
Be brave?
Inside, I know it's just a facade.

The feeling of betrayal,
The feeling of hurt.
So cold, so quick,
And they cut like ice.

The sharp pain of frosted glass,
Leaves frozen crimson in its wake.
My sacred thoughts have been violated,
Like torn silk on a heated iron.

Curse the course of electricity,
Through the computer which showed my pain.
The eyes which dared to look into my soul,
And the lips that decided to sell me out.

Work of the Devil or work of God?
I really have no idea.
Is she an angel or a curse?
I wish to choose the latter.


This poem is dedicated to the little sneak who decided to sell me and my blog out. Do people really need to care if I hate council? I hate what I like to hate! It is not up to you people to decide! I will write whatever I want whenever I want here. It is my freedom as it is my right. I have not lied about anyone, nor what I felt. Who are you to dictate what I feel?! If I hate council, hate school, hate my life, it is my own problem! So, I beg of you, just leave me be.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I just love doing that! Haha... As you can see, I had an awful day. During recess, I got called out by Mr Sim. Everytime that happens, I'm in trouble! And, for some strange reason, it's always my fault! I don't even know why. Isn't that utterly ridiculus? I got scolded for using my mobile phone in class again. The thing is, I only used it once. Just once! And, I was messaging Jie. Everybody does it! Everybody messages in class. But no...Little Miss Bitch had to pick on me. It's always me. This time, I'm not making any assumtions. I know it was her! I could see the look on her face. Her face cringed everytime I grumbled to someone. Jasmine had a hand in it too-after I had finished grumbling to Hui Jing, they called Hui Jing over and asked her not to change her impression of them. Feeling guilty? Please... Hui Jing has so much better judgement than that.

Then, I got scolded for not wearing my tie properly. Which is really true, because I like to loosen my tie. Do you have any idea how hot is it to wear that stupid tie?! I had my PE attire under my uniform. Mr Sim was like "If everybody else can stand it, why not you?" Well, as my beloved mother would say, I AM NOT EVERYBODY ELSE. The tie is uncomfortable. Everyone I have ever asked to tie my tie for me has exclaimed that the tie material is lousy. Plus, I fucking hate it.

And the worse thing was, he scolded me for what I wrote on MY blog. I emphasis the my as this is my world I can do whatever I want as long as it's not racist and as long as I don't called my teachers bitches and bastards. Which I don't. Remember the Jan 3rd post? The one that said that I hate school, I hate council and when I leave Dunman, I am going to burn my tie in front of little miss bitch just so I can get a kick of what her snotty little face will be like? Yeah... I got scolded for that. Excuse me?! Who doesn't hate school? Does anyone besides the ex-cos not hate council? Besides, what I do with my tie, my tie which I have to wear properly now just so I can go with someone's little whims, is nobody's concern. Next, I'm going to get scolded for keeping a journal! *Gasp* Or complaining about weird teachers in my notebook! Please, let's not be childish. No one can say anything about what I write! It belongs to me and me alone. If anyone has a problem, they can start their own blog and complain about me if they want. I. Don't. Care.

When I find that little sneak, she is so going to get it from me. I want to set her hair on fire and laugh as she screams her lungs out. Pull out her eyeballs and stick them to the computer screen-so that she can always see my blog, since she enjoys it so much. Stitch her lips together so that she will never sneak on anyone ever again. Pull her voice-box out and crush it just to be safe. Make incisions in every bit of flesh on her body and watch gleefully as the blood drains out. Then, I will slowing pull the flesh from the bones and feed it to the crows. If she's still alive, which is kinda doubtful, I will burst all of her internal organs and mail them to little miss bitch and the rest of the people who I cannot stand. With her bones, I will grind them into dust and feed them to fish. =D

Actually, here's a little fact about little miss bitch that people should know. I know I'm being horribly spiteful but she asked for it! little miss bitch was not nominated to be a councillor. She nominated herself becase Cheryl gave her her form. Plus, she had a boyfriend. His name was Guo Wei. He was from 5A last year. In Sec one, if we wanted to join council, we had to kinda promise/swear (I can't really tell the difference) that during our entire secondary school life, we would never get attached. She isn't really the perfect little council loving councillor that everyone thinks she is.

I'm really sorry that when Gabriel Beh and Gabriel Soh and Wei Ming were trying to comfort me, poor little miss bitch had to sit there all alone because most people actually feel that I didn't deserve what she did to me. Oh yeah, plus, she stole my friends. My best friend since Sec one. Thanks a lot.

Besides today, I can honestly say that I have never done a thing to little miss bitch besides show my complete dislike for her to my friends.

I know I'm mean, and evil, and spiteful, but I was provoked.

Maybe I'm wrong. But hey, this is MY world. You know you love me...

*written @ 3:01 午後.

火曜日, 1月 17, 2006

Everything in life is so superficial-it never really means anything. It always only just, just... there. So trivial, so trivial, all of it. And yet, I'm expected to put up with it for the rest of my days? I don't think so! Our way of life will one day die, as we will die. Therefore, it really is pointless tryinng to preserve something that will very soon be lost.

Haha... Just a little something off the top of my head. You know the thing I said about "I more I go for training, the more I hate it. The more I hate it, the more I don't go." Well! I take it back! No more training for me! Today was the very last day! No more running around like an idiot trying to hit shuttlecocks I can't hit, no more running around the neighbourhood all the time! *YAY*

Being in secondary school, one should always keep a source of caffine nearby. Reason being that oen will tend to fall asleep very often. In school, my slacking periods are, social studies, chinese and english, sometimes physics but I try not to slack in that. However, I kept drifting in and out of sleep during physics today! It was like, sleep... jolt up! sleep... jolt up! sleep... Like that! for the whole hour! Or rather, till Ee hong gave me a sweet because he was annoyed at my head for bonking on the table every once in a while.

Linda is coming back tomorrow! Praise the Lord!

*written @ 6:40 午後.

月曜日, 1月 16, 2006

It is rather saddening for me to report that one of my best friends since sec 1 has changed since she converted to christianity. She's suddenly not the girl I know anymore. Suddenly, my feelings don't matter to her. She's hanging with a different crowd of people, consisting of two people I completely cannot stand. Like, she has know them for a short while, (way shorter than knowing me at least) and for some reason, she finds it unnessesary to tell me things anymore. Why is that? And now, everything is church friends, service, care group. ARGH! I can't stand it! I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to be excited about church, but you don't have to be crazy over it! She doesn't have the time for me anymore. Me. The one who saw her cry over her boyfriend in school. Me. The one who offers to drop by her house with her homework when she's sick. I'm the one who listened to her rant when she was angry. And she gave me up just like that?! I had to apologise to her for what she did to me! Like it was my fault! Excuse me? She could still say "forget it." I do not believe that I am the one at fault here or anywhere else. Why is this always happening to me?

I only realised this today when I told Hui Jing how I was betrayed by her. Hui Jing said "I didn't think of her as someone who would do such a thing." That was when it hit me. The girl I know wouldn't do such a thing to me. She was no longer the person I once knew.

Anyway, I have decided that the golden retrivers at Pet Safari are way too cute to be cooped up like that. One of these days, I am going to steal them! Hahahahaha...

*written @ 6:35 午後.

日曜日, 1月 15, 2006

It has suddenly occured to me that I have very little female friends. No, actually, not very little, just, less than my male friends. I feel so weird now! I was sick, so I didn't go to school on Friday. And the first person to message me was Ee Hong! Then, Clarence, then Gabriel Beh (I don't even know how Gabriel got my number). When I say message, I mean asking me why I didn't show up at school. This is so strange! I mean, I'm a girl, who had guy phobia until I was Sec 2 and suddenly, all the people I'm close to are guys!

Yesterday, Sherry and I had drumming and we had to tap the rim of the drum- we had to hold the drumsick in this unnatural way (to create the perfect balance of the thickness of the drumstick and the thinness of the rim blah blah blah...). As my hand was all ezyma(I think that's how you spell it)-fied, I kinda grossed out my drumming teacher. Hahahaha... I know that for a fact because I wasn't haolding the stick correctly and when he was going to touch my hand and move it for me, he suddenly withdrew his hand and decided to give me verbal instructions. It was quite amusing actually. When I told Sherry about it, she immediently grabbed my hand and started scrutinising it.
Sherry: Look at your hand! do you need cream? If you do, I have.
Me: No... I'm fine.
Sherry: But if your hand is like that, Aaron won't want to hold it! (What is with people and that?!)
Me: Not again... I don't need Aaron to hold my hand. (Says in a very matter-of-fact voice) I can hold my own hand! See? *Hold own hand*

This prompted me to think, why do most women think that they need guys to hold their hand? Can't they hold their own hand? *Sheesh* There was this time this stupid little Sec 2 girl (I know this because her boyfriend was wearing shorts) who was trying to combine blood vessels with her boyfriend through their arms walking by. As she walked past me, who was standing alone, she gave me this "you're so sad, you don't have a boyfriend to walk you home. I do, and that makes me better than you." look. I fumed! What makes her think that I need a boyfriend?! I am perfectly capable of walking myself home. So I gave her this "I may not have a boyfriend but at least I look better and are smarter and have better taste in guys and overall, am more fabulous than you!" look. At least, I wouldn't choose a boyfriend from some lousy school, who is acne-fied and who apparently has the free time to walk you home! If my boyfriend had that amount of free time, I would be extremely worried.

Valentine's day is coming. I hate valentine's day.

*written @ 6:13 午後.

木曜日, 1月 12, 2006

Here's what I wrote during english lesson:
Fuck. I am freezing. Why is it always raining? So wet, all the time. I am so bored! Why do all english lessons have to be so crappy all the time? Are english teachers born to be annoying or something? I suppose that one of the critiria for hiring english teachers is ( All applicants must be exceedingly boring and irritating) Bah! I am feeling awfully scribbly today. School is by far the most boring place on the face of this earth! I'm trapped in this stupid place, for the rest of the day. *sigh* Why do we have to go to school? Damn it. It's so cold! I really wish I was in church- I can borrow a jacket from someone. Hm... Why do councillors have to do duty? I mean, it's so pointless. We walk around like robots-lifeless, and without feeling. I'm hungry. The thing about school is, when I ask Josiah for a bit of whatever his eating, he looks at me like I've just asked him to poison himself. In church, I can just grab a bite from Cheryl or someone else. It's annoying! I don't even understand why I'm writing rubbish like this. Am I bored? I really don't know...

Ever wondered what my notebook is for? Well! There you have it!

Today, I got conned into eating something bad again! Why does this always happen to me? Do I really look that stupid, that you have to bluff me to eat stuff just so you can get akick out of it? *Sheesh* Gabriel Beh bluff me! Cuase there was this packet of vitamin looking stuff on Gabriel Soh's (In my class, we are on a last name basis. I can't stand it) table. It looked sweet! So I asked Gabriel Beh, who was happily munching on one "Is that sweet? Is it nice?" That idiot! He was like "Yah yah! Try try!" And then he shoved one to me. As Gabriel Beh is very evil, the vitamin looking thing was very dubious. Then, Gabriel Beh gave me this very innocent look, so I decided to trust him. I popped the vitamin thingy into my mouth. At the moment, Ee Hong and Leonard came in. The first thing they said was " YOU ATE IT?!" I was so stunned! But I had already ate most of it. Ee Hong started telling me how I was going to start feeling really hot and start taking off my clothes (He wishes). But half-way, I lost track. Too high I think. It felt so nice! Haha... According to Leonard, I was gigling at nothing throughout the whole recess and making quite a lot of noise. Stupid Gabriel Beh! When Gabriel Soh got back, he too screamed "YOU ATE IT?!" But apparently, I was too high to have heard him. When I came back down to earth, he asked "Do you have pads?" I was weirded out. Why would a guy be asking me for a pad?
Me:"Er... no?"
Soh:"You are so dead!"
Me:"Er... why?"
Soh: "You're going to get your period!"
Me: "What?! No I'm not!"
Soh: "Do you even know what you just ate?"
Me: "No?"

Then he started laughing like this was some great joke. Apparently, I had eaten some glucose thing that was going to make my homonal balance go haywire. According to Soh that is and his the Bio student. Then I asked :"What about Beh? He ate it too!" Then, I was told that the worse thing that can happen to him is an ejeculation.

You know what? I think that Gabriel Soh was lying to me. Is that even possible?

*written @ 3:32 午後.

水曜日, 1月 11, 2006

Mrs Vijay is the crappiest teacher I have ever known. Well, besides Mr Cheng that is. You know what she did?! She didn't come for english today, (much to many people's delight) but gave us work. Like, I did't even know there was work until pretty much the end of the day! I didn't even get the stupid worksheet! Anyway, Geog was starting when Gabriel Soh decided to do one of his "Oh! Let's get the class screwed now!" Bah. He picked that time to tell us that we had to hand up the english work by the end of today-if not, we would have to stay back until we finished it because Mrs Vijay would be coming back to school. Like, excuse me, what?! I couldn't stay back and do it because I had to go for some weird add maths thing later on. So, I had to rush through it during geog class. (Which was rather boring anyhow) I rushed like crazy ok! And, I had to figure out a way not to get caught! However, much to my irritation, at the end of the day, Mrs Vijay came in and announced "People! Hand in the english worksheet tomorrow!" What the... If she wanted to take leave, couldn't she just stay at home and do her whatever instead of coming back to school and ruining everything? Bah.

Haha... Anyway, I have just discovered that Sherry is having a count down to Ian's birthday! *Laughs evilly* *Loud protests from Cheryl* *Continues laughing and starts prancing around* She asked me what I was going to get for Ian for his birthday and I said very matter-of-factly "A hug. If he wants it, if he doesn't, nothing." (I do that for everyone's birthday! It's just that they never find out that fuck housework!(Sorry... Dad bugging me again) they never find out that I'm offering hugs- so they get nothing usually. Hahahaha... Man... You should have seen the shocked look on her face!

Teehee... =D

*written @ 7:31 午後.

月曜日, 1月 09, 2006

Why?! Just tell me why. Why do I need to eat? What is everyone so concerned about whether I eat or not? Just leave me alone. I don't need anyone to care about me. Even if I die of starvation, it'll be my own fault. So can you just leave me alone?

I don't know why Dad and Dawn get so irritated when I don't want to go out for dinner with them. The timing isn't right! I need to feed Russell and do my work. If I go out for dinner, I can't do that! I don't know why Dawn is making such a big deal about it. The way she speaks is like the way she is going overseas to study is a huge thing. IT'S NOT. Most people do it. Besides, t's not like I see her everyday or something like that. She hardly even spends time with me! It's not anything special that she's going overseas to study.

And she's still harping about how yesterday was my fault. Everything that happens it my fucking fault! I don't understand it. Nope, not at all. Maybe I was wrong that if people knew how I really felt, they wouldn't treat me this way. She saw the tears and she heard the sobs, and it's still my fault. I don't ask for anyone to understand, all I ask for is for someone to listen. You know, it kinda irks me that I rely on people like Ian and Clarence to listen. They only knew me for about a year and they know things that you can't see. While my own family ignores it, taking it as one of my many short-comings. Great, now my Dad is going to say I'm stubbon for not wanting to go out for dinner. I don't get it! Why am I stubbon? Does not wanting to go out for dinner mean that I'm stubbon?

I miss you Des...

*written @ 5:10 午後.

日曜日, 1月 08, 2006

It's all about you isn't it? Your boyfriend, your wedding, your house, your business, your sleep, you you you you you! It's all about you! Yesterday, when I went into my sister's room, I got yelled at to get out quite quickly. Why? Because, her boyfriend wants to sleep. I fhe wants to sleep, he can fucking go home and sleep! HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL ME THAT HE WANTS TO SLEEP. I have been getting up at 5.30 am every single day, without fail since school started! What time did he get up? Huh? Even if he did get up early, he didn't have to feed Russell did he? No. I did. I had to wash Russell's dishes with my cracked hands and wash the toilet and then get ready to go to school. I don't care if your boyfriend wants to sleep, or has a headache or is sick. If he was in any of these situations, he should stay home!

My youth group came over today. Actually, they were supposed to go swimming and play tennis and such. But they couldn't, it was raining. So they came up. Even though I was treated like a slave in my own house by Elliot and although I felt like strangling him to death, I had a lot of fun! But, the moment you came home, it stopped. So what if there were more people in the house than expected? So what if the house smelled of wet socks? SO WHAT?! I was the one entertaining them, I would be the one to clean the floor later if there was a need. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM LEAVE?! Why?! They're my friends! Dad didn't say anything, Dawnie didn't say anything, WHY DID YOU?! Couldn't you just put up with it for awhile so that I could be happy for a couple of hours?! COULDN'T YOU!? Fuck. What is wrong with you!? I wanted them to stay. I wanted so badly for them to stay! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE AT HOME ALL THE TIME?! I can never have fun with them! Everywhere I go, I have to be back by a certain time and I have get to have fun because I know that I can't stay. And I never go for night services because I have no transport home! I studied the whole of yesterday, couldn't I have things my way today? It's so rare that people actually come over to be with me you know? I'm sorry that Prisca mistook your room for mine and left her jeans there, but you didn't have to make such a fuss! BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE MAKE THEM TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!! How could you? These are the people who made me think that my life actually mattered, that I actually matter.

I know you just want me dead. No one to annoy you, no one to write things like this on her blog, no one to mess up the kitchen. Fine! You want me to slit my wrists in front of you? I can do that. Easily. You always ask me "Why are you so depresing?" Because you have made me depressing! You and Dad and Some Stupid people from school are the ones who have made me depressing! When I tell my tutors what I want to do, they tell me to go for it. But my own family tells me that I'm useless and I can't do it.

See why I need to die?

*written @ 6:16 午後.

火曜日, 1月 03, 2006

The first day of school... *Sigh* I fucking hate school.

When I first got to school, I was late for council, and I had to do duty! Argh... I hate council. I hate it so, so much. On the day I leave Dunman, I am going to grab a lighter and burn my stupid council tie right in front of Jia yu. Hahaha... What a kick I'm going to get from that. And the thing is, she can't do a thing! Not a thing! I long for the day I can leave this hell they call school.

Straight after doing duty, we had to do assembly duty. Well, actually I didn't, but I really didn't want to stroll into the hall with everyone staring at me right in the middle of Mrs Neo's never-ending speech. Like, we listen to the same thing year after year after year after year! *Argh* And all I could do was stand there and pretend like I was interested. As Mrs Yao has some strange problem with us sitting down at the back, she insisted that we all sit with the lower sec classes, on their benches, in the canteen. Excuse me?! Even if she doesn't have a sense of dignity, we do! Or rather, I do! So all 80 plus people stood. Until once trainee fainted. Yes, she fainted. And when 6 girls carried her pass Mr Bernard, he just ignored it! She fainted because of the stupid pointless duty we all have to do every assembly. We stand at 2 sides of the table and tell the students to shut up in a nice way. Isn't it like completely pointless?!

During attire check, the stupid SEC 2 boy was like so rude to me! I asked him "Er... may I know where's your name tag?" He said "NEVER BRING!" No one , no one is rude to me when I am being very nice! NO ONE. When I see him again, he is so getting it from me.

I was so tired when I came home, and when I got home, there was a cup in the sink and a cup on the table and the cold water flask empty, on the table. And my Dad was bugging me about how I should feed Russell. Then, I exploded. I mean, IF I CAN WASH EVERYTHING STRAIGHT AFTER I USE IT, I DON'T SEE WHY OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T! AND I'M ALLERGIC TO DETERGENT. ARGH.

And I don't have the patience to put up with some idiot who can't be bothered to give me decent replies to my messages. I mean, if you don't want to talk to me, tell me! Don't give me rubbish answers that say "I don't want to talk to you, so I'll reply some rubbish answer so that you'll get the message." IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING! Just because you have lost interest in someone, it does not mean that you can throw them away. Throw me away! Fuck.

I'm cranky.

*written @ 7:22 午後.

日曜日, 1月 01, 2006

1. Name: Bak Jing Wen Aileen
2. Birthdate : 22nd May 1990
3. Location : Home (Simei)
4. School : Dunman Sec Past: PLMGPS
5. Hobbies: sleeping, going online, playing instruments, reading, writing poems, blogging, collecting duckies and toy dogs.
6. Color Eyes: chocolate brown
7. Height : 163cm
8. Shoe Size: 6
9. Favorite Color: Black!
10. Favorite Songs: uptown girl, mirror mirror, reflection, breathless, home, save the last dance for me, tong hua, lydia, breakaway, behind these hazel eyes... lots lots more
11. Favorite Book: Heaven by Virginia Andrews
12. Favorite Vacation Spot: PERTH
13.Favorite Shampoo: Eh? I use like many many kinds of shampoo
14: Best Friend of the Opposite Sex: Clarence, Wei Jie my kor, Aaron, Ian
15: Boyfriend or Girlfriend?: Neither but both? Still single
16: Crush: Now why would I tell you about that?
17: Things you like in the opposite sex: Cuteness, kindness, loyalty, trustworthyness, sensitivity, patience, their fear of tears, the way they make me smile sometimes... Haha
18: When was the last time you kissed someone: Er... about an hour ago? Does Russell and Floppy count?
19: Most romantic thing a person has ever said to you or done: Promised to always be there for me and offer to pull my bike for me when I fell (different people)
20: Funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of someone from the opposite sex: Er... Be myself?
21. Good Friends: Des, Cheryl, Hui Jing, Kelly, Jasmin, Fedora, Maria
22: Best quality in a friend: Trustworthy, loyalty, honesty
23: Fondest Memory of you and your Friend(s): The time when Des stepped on the ping pong ball when she was trying to get it.
24: Scariest Thing that's ever happened: Death of a loved one
25: Favorite Computer Font: comic sans (bold and in Fushia)
26: Favorite Food: CHOCOLATE, sashimi, fish and chips, ice-cream, xiao long bao... many many more oh! and mash potato!
27: Favorite Place to Eat: Depends on what
29. weirdest food that you like : black sesame paste
30: Dumbest thing you've ever done: snorted in front of friends
31: The One Person that Knows the Most About You: Des
32: Favorite Movie(s): pretty woman, Narnia, Harry potter, Dirty dancing (Havana nights)
33: Last Movie You Saw : Narnia
34: Here's the scenario - Any person curled up on a couch with you watching any movie. Who is it and what movie?: My jie and it's white chicks! Hahaha
35: Nicest Thing Someone's Done for You: Treat me to a way over-priced hair cut
36: Best Advice Ever Given to You: Stop whining
37: Color would you dye your hair : blond
38: Favorite Quote(s): I am not what I am
39: First Crush: Pri 6. Tennis class.
40: One thing you hope you do before you die: Have children
41: Thing you want to be remembered for: Being true to myself
42: Your Personality Type: cynical, stubborn, emotional, funny, loud, violent, clingy, childish, critical, lazy....
43: Favorite Music Group: Soft rock
44: Pets: Russell and a couple of fish
45: Favorite Holiday: Christmas
46: Favorite Season: Winter
47: Favorite Summer Activity: Going to the beach
48: Favorite Winter Activity: Hot chocolate! Need I say more?
49: What you wanna be when you grow up: Successful? A vet or a fashion designer, or a drummer....
50: Funniest Person you Know: Myself? Haha.. Colin, my sister's bf
51: Favorite Conversation Topic: Bad people
52: Favorite Sport: Tennis, swimming
53: Favorite Magazines: auzzie CLEO
54: Favorite Toothpaste: Face shop toothpaste
55: Favorite BubbleGum: OUCH bubble gum
56: Favorite Candy: CHOCOLATE
57.Where do u shop? : depends on what I want to buy
58: Favorite Thing to Wear to School: Badminton jersey with my nike shorts and slippers (during holidays)
59: Favorite Thing to Sleep In: Shirt and shorts?
60: Biggest Fear: Failing
61: Favorite Inside Jokes: what!?
62: Worst feeling in the world: the person you love not loving you back
63: Best feeling: Feeling loved
67: Thing You're Picked on Most About: the weirdness of my last name
68: Best Thing About the Person you Got This Email From: I copied this from someone
69: Favorite Words : Poofie, what?! and so bad!
70: Things you Say Waaaaay Sooooo Too Much: fuck?
71: Favorite ice-cream Flavor: chocolate-chip dough
72: Favorite Soda: coke
73: Favorite Website: www.quizilla.com
74: One Place you want to go to: Heaven?
75: Time & Date: now?
76: What did you do or what are your plans today: go church? go sleep?
77: You kiss someone and you're chewing gum. What kind of gum: why would I chew gum when I kiss someone.
78: What college do you want to go to (or are you going to or will>you> be going to)? : I wanna go to SAJC
79: Person you Admire most: Mummy
80: Thing you most regret doing: failing maths
81: Number of Pairs of shoes you own: 15
82: Favorite piece of jewelry: My Tiffany and co. ring
84: If you were a nailpolish what color would you be and why: Black. I match everything.
85: If a movie was made about your life what would it be called: Memiors of an unsound mind
86: Color of your bedroom: grey
87: Size of your bed: queen sized!
88: Last time u showered: at 8.30 this morning.
89: Last phone number u called: My jie
90: Last thing you had to drink: Ribina
91: What's the weather like: cloudy-ish
92.last book you Read by : The lion the witch and the wardrobe by C.S Lewis
93: Last show you watched on TV: Ice age
94: Where is your computer: On the dining table
95: Color socks you're wearing: I'm not wearing socks
96: Silliest thing you've said: Ah wah wah wah?
97. Favorite Smiley Face: =P
98: Last word you said: ha?
99: Thing you actually want to be doing right now: Bathe
100: How glad are you that this quiz ended: rather..

*written @ 4:53 午後.