日曜日, 4月 30, 2006
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What's in a dream? Dreams are like dew that give the sparkles in people's eyes, so why do they shatter so quickly? Maybe it's the harshness of reality that forces me to seek solace in my little fantasies. How disappointing that these fantasies are nothing but... dreams. Dreams that can never be fulfilled but linger on anyway. I can never see the face of this person that appears night after night after night. And it's killing me! I want to know... Are dreams something that your heart truly desire or are they something that we just cannot have? I like to think that my dreams are a fragment of my future. Ah... How disappointed I will be. What's in a dream?

Love.... what is love? Tears and pain that it brings is so tormenting. How can I wish happiness for so many people when all they've done is bring me pain? How is it that I can wish to see their smiles everyday and still be so selfish? Only Heaven knows... Sacrifice. Is that what love is about? If so, why does it seem that the one who trusts the most, falls from the highest peak? When the liar gets to walk away scot free? Love... what is love?

Wildfire. Why does it burn so freely? I am wildfire. Meant to be free and to busk in the essence of what is me. Trapped, trapped so cruelly in this place they call reality. Watching as my windows smash one by one. If I'm wildfire, why am I followed? Don't fool yourself into believing that I will bend to your will. I bow to no one, but God and God alone. I don't wish to cause hurt, but unwittingly burn people. Wildfire. Why does it burn so freely?

Hold me tight and lift me up. So I can touch the sky...
Get me hooked at first sight. I wanna be one step closer to Heaven...

*written @ 8:26 午後.

*/

God will make a way
When there seems be no way
He works in ways, we cannot see
He will make a way for me

I think that whatever pain that doesn't kill you will only prove to make you stronger. *OMG! who is this weird happy person?* Major Serene (Pastor) is moving to a different core... Actually, I can't really say that I will miss her because I've only been in the church for a few months, but I'm sure it'll be really different without her. When the news was being said, Sherry suddenly started crying! It was so random! So I had to comfort her... but I was curious. So I asked "Who are you crying about?" Well... I was either Major Serene or ..... I mean, I had to know who she was crying about because I could say anything right?! And that stupid fruit just laughed at me.

Today, for the first time in ages, I manage to get Sherry to have civilised communication with Peabrain. Haha... I'm so powerful! With me around, even the impossible can happen! *Grins* Oh yes! I think that fruits should stop jumping to weird conclusions!

Memories of days gone by. I find it funny that all my memories become part of my imagination. When you read a book, do you see the words? I see it as a movie, filming though my head. Maybe that's why I never took notice of the good vocabulary and phrases that I'm supposed to. Last night, I started directing again. But for some reason, I can never come up with their faces. I can see the story and imagine the plot, but the faces of the main characters remain fuzzy? Why's that?

*written @ 5:25 午後.

土曜日, 4月 29, 2006
*/

Now, which part of "Go away" is so difficult to understand?! *Yells* I don't care if Leonard likes me or not. The point is, he followed me around and that is freaking me out. I cannot stand irritating clingly people who cannot think for themselves. He can still ask me," So are we still friends?" And all I can think is, "Get away from me!" I seriously do not want to talk to him. At all! No matter what it regards. Isn't it stupid that he knows how I treat Kenneth Yau because he stalked me and that he still does it!? Someone please please make him leave me alone... I swear that the next freak who likes me and follows me around will have to face up to an incredibly mean me. There will be no more "We're still friends what..." NO! Next time, I will just scream "Go to hell and leave me alone!"

*Sigh* I was going to blog about the happy things that happened today you know... I refuse to be in a 5 mile radius of that nerd anytime soon.

*written @ 7:57 午後.

木曜日, 4月 27, 2006
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Talking to Brian is.... Funny. Hahaha! I know, I know, how can I talk to Brian? I have no idea... *Laughs* But we sat at starbucks for like 2 1/2 hours talking! About rubbish and work and just... stuff! Hahaha... weird.

Guess what guess what?! Josiah has a Team Singapore shirt! *Amazed* Hahaha... I can't imagine that Josiah is the national wushu champion. I mean, I hit him everyday, and tease him about Cas. And now... I'm obsessed with finding out if he has a six-pack or not. *horny* Hahaha! No... It's just that his so pretty! I can't imagine him having a six-pack and I know he can't possibly not have one. Plus, must evaluate and see if his worthy of my extremely cute Cassandra! Teehee! One of these days, must get Shing Chun to strip him. *grins evilly* No no! Must get Cas! Later he use his kung fu to beat up Shing! (Tried before and I got whacked)

I know I'm sick ok? *Sheesh* But I wanna know! I wanna... Today, Wei Ming took a picture of Shing Chun's "breast"! Whahahahaha... It was so gross! And they showed it to like the entire class.... haha! *My eyes! They're... Burning!* I realise that everytime we go out to eat with Shing, we have expensive food. Like, we had Jack's place today. (Students meal) Or! We have Sakae Sushi. No money, no money...

I have very little female friends...

*written @ 8:15 午後.

水曜日, 4月 26, 2006
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Am I really that bad? *Stops awhile to ponder* Nah... Besides, he started it!

Argh! No time no time! Can't do anything! I wonder... Can God suddenly change the day to 36 hours instead of just 24? It'll be so much easier for everyone! Haha... You know, when Miss Yeap was teaching us about environmental stuff (Can't remember what) for geog today, I had a sudden urge to say :" But cher! The world ends in 14 years time, so why are they panicking so much? Besides, the world crumbling is their fault!" She was talking about how certain countries refuse to sign some environmental protection contract. Which, I feel is extremely stupid. Why? It's their planet too! We're not talking about a swimming pool that we're polluting, but instead, we're talking about a planet! Our planet! Face it man! It's not as if we can go planet hunting in the solar system when ours floods and kills half the people, not mentioning the terrible climate changes. *Feeling weird today*

Something puzzles me- If I had never been born, would the world be any different? It's just a thought! Don't get all afraid now... Seriously, would it? Would 16 year-olds still have to go through so much crap? Hm... Would Mummy have died? Would the house be sold again? I often wonder, if there were like 3 million sperm trying to fertilise the egg, why was I picked? There is proof that every sperm would produce a different person, so I ask, "Why me?" I'm sure that there was someone else that would be prettier (Aaron said I'm ugly... I'm sore about it) and smarter and more worth while than me. So why me? Would anyone feel something missing from themselves if I wasn't here? Hm... *Pondering* I had an hour to myself today and I wasted it by thinking of crap like that. Bah.

Facinating... How the most beautiful part of believe is the lie hidden within.

*written @ 8:43 午後.

火曜日, 4月 25, 2006
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Answers
What do you do when the sky turns grey,
With angels and demons, asking you for pay?
You have no money, you know it's true,
So really, really, what do you do?

You throw a dice and it rolls a six,
Does it mean your lucky? Or just nothing but sick?
Life is a game, a game of chance,
Better get moving or you'll have to run.

Let go, let go, is what they all scream.
Would they be ice-cream, or rotten whipped cream?
A lesson to learn, a lesson to dread.
Seems to be a story read.

Ties that bind, and ties that break.
Which one do you truly hate?

Aileen

I'm telling you if that he won't leave, than I will! Which is what I did... Kinda. Now I feel guilty. But Leonard is being so annoying! He just won't leave me alone. Can you imagine, that anywhere you go, he is there, starring at you? I can't even escape it on the way home, because he goes to the same busstop as me! Argh... So in order to avoid it, I always go for lunch. And now, he comes for lunch too! What can I do to get rid of him?! Can I just say, " Leonard, can you please let me go some place where I don't have to see your face?!" *Sheesh* I know it was obvious when I just stormed off when I was supposed to have lunch with Clarence, Gabriel, Wei Ming and Jeannette. But, did anyone not notice my face fall when I saw him running for the bus? Don't tell me that it was purely by chance. When Shing Chun, Jeannette and I went to Sakae sushi for lunch, he came too! I mean, excuse me?! If Leonard wants to go out with my friends, than I won't. It's as simple as that. I will just find someone else who he doesn't know and go out with him/her. At least I will have some peace... The teasing is starting to annoy me. Go tease Leonard if you want, but leave me out of it. I don't need people to protect me when Gabriel makes me squeal in pain. Actually, I never needed anyone to protect me, from anything! So just... Go away and leave me alone!

*Whew* You have no idea how good it feels to finally get that out of my system. Maybe Clarence will scold me for this but... it's how I feel. I'm so sleepy... Have to go to school myself tomorrow... Don't wanna!


La di dah...

*written @ 4:04 午後.

月曜日, 4月 24, 2006
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My Dawnie is a paedophile! *Laughs hysterically* She has a crush on her seventeen-year-old housemate! Don't try to deny it! I know I know! *Prances around tossing flowers everywhere* Paedophile Paedophile! Whahahahaha... What was that? Paedophile! *Rolls around on the floor laughing my head off* Oh my.... I am very disturbed. Seventeen! E! That's so sick! Hahahaha... In case you can't tell, my Dawnie (Er jie) Will never hear the end of this. =D

I forgot to bring my tie today. Don't be mistaken! It wasn't on purpose... How can you even think such a thing? I am however, proud to announce, that it was so liberating. Except for the fact that Mr Sim came along and said :"I thought I told you to wear your tie." I'm sorry! What? Oh... I got distracted by THE SEC 2/3 WHO WASN'T WEARING HER TIE EITHER. *Ahem* Can you please go and scold your sec 2/3 first before scolding the Sec 4, wait... the EX Sec 4 councillor who forgot to bring her tie for the first time in 4 years? I have already stepped down! Which part of that is it so difficult to understand? *Sheesh* I mean, you're the teacher! I thought you were supposed to be the wise one. Apparently, I'm not right all the time. I know you're waiting for a teeny weeny chance to pounce on my 5 precious CCA points. Go ahead! Go on! Do these people not know how illegal it is to take away my CCA points because I was seen not wearing my tie? Just try it. I have my ways of fighting back... It may not be very pretty but I bet it'll work wonders. I mean, those points are mine and you know it! I earned them, I may not have earned the respect of people I dislike, but I sure as hell earned those points. But I'm nice... so if you want them, take them! I'm not going to be here to use them for very long anyway. Do you think that my college will care that I've be in the students' council of a school in a country that's not even an eighth as big as theirs? Please... Be reasonable. I've won and you know it!

I woke up this morning, and thought "I have 2 more months to wake up to this room and see this wall in front of me."

Aren't I depressing?

*written @ 8:09 午後.

日曜日, 4月 23, 2006
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In all my life, I have never wanted my mother as much as I do now. I'm just aching to run into her arms crying :" Mummy! Mummy! I'm in pain. It hurts so much! Make it go away..." And she would say " It's alright... Everything is going to be alright." But how dreams shatter... That will obviously never happen. This is a time for me to take out my bible and pray ferverently. God assured me that it would be alright, that everything would be alright. So why do I find it so difficult to believe? It's painful... I just want to scream my lungs out and hurl myself somewhere that no one will find me. If no one can find me, no one can hurt me. Won't that be nice?

My Dad sold the house. *Starts sobbing uncontrollably* Yes, that is how much it affects me. Why is he always doing this to me?! I cannot bear the fact that the floor that I was sitting on is no longer mine and the air-conditioner that I have just switched on is no longer mine. You know what? I don't even have another house to move into. God tells me that it's for the best. But I don't understand! Not at all... How can something that is so painful be for the best? " Someone help me please..." I want to say, but will anyone listen to my pleas? Not even the person who promised to always be there for me will listen. My Dad said he loved me. So why is he always, always giving me so much pain? I think that I have suffered enough. Really. When is all this going to end? I pray that God will turn back time, so that Mummy didn't have to die and I don't have to move again. Is it selfish of me to wish this? I want my Mummy and I want her now! She won't let Daddy do this to me. She loves me! *Tears pouring down like a waterfall* Tell me, just whisper in my ear that everything will be alright. That I won't snap and I'll live to see the world end.

Other people have it so easy you know... Love, results, friends, success... It all comes so easily for them. But for me, I have to earn it! I have to pay so much just to be in this world. I'm just a kid! I don't know what to do! And I don't want to be alone. I'm only sixteen... Just sixteen. Why do you have to put me through all this?! I want my life back! Give me my life back! I don't even know where I'm going to move to... It's so worrying! I'm taking my O levels this year, I can't be worrying about crap like that. I want my Mummy! If anyone dares to tell me how lucky I am, I swear! I will make him/her sorry that he/she ever thought that. I never had a good life, I can't be strong all the time. Maybe you want to delude yourself and believe I can, but I'm sorry, I can't. They said that life wasn't going to be easy, but I never expected it to be this difficult!

I'm slipping, slipping back into the darkness that I've worked so hard to pull myself out of. I want to believe, I ache to believe, but it's so difficult. Finding solace in darkness is so much easier and so much more comforting. Was God right in saying that I would be a great evangelist? I really begin to doubt. Everyone'll will probably be describing me as unholy and a disgrace, but I don't really care. I need to know. What does God has in store for me? I know I'm not normal, I can't be normal.

Whoever says that they're sorry that my life is so sad should go to hell. My life may be difficult and it may be painful, but it is not sad! At least I understand that God has something for me at the end of all this and all I need to do is grit my teeth and bear with it for as long as it takes.

Just... Someone do something to make me smile again.

*written @ 7:23 午後.

土曜日, 4月 22, 2006
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Here is one of my favourite pictures! Haha... Since I haven't put anything up for long time...

*written @ 12:16 午後.

木曜日, 4月 20, 2006
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The funniest thing happened today! Haha... In case you didn't know, I am acting in my literature class's adaptation of Twelfth Night. Jian Wei (Sir Andrew) had to go "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" in the play and Roy was supposed to come out with this board giving the translation "Would you come to bed with me?" *Laughs* During rehersal, we all decided it was way too small, so Jeannette offered to make a new one. So, we took the sign and decided to bring it back to class. On the way, (I was holding it) there were weird people saying ok!, Sure! or No way! Hahahahaha... And when I walked past the atrium, Mr Yapp gave me this disgusting, freaky perverted smile. ARGH!!!!!! *Recoils in disgust* But it was so funny! I laughed and laughed till my sides ached! Oh oh! Did I mention that I am a cape? *Yays*

*written @ 8:19 午後.

火曜日, 4月 18, 2006
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*Sh...* Just lay back and enjoy the cool serenity of the rain. *Gazes at swimming pool and wishes that it was a lake* Can't you just imagine a sprite immerging out of the water? With a sphere of seaspray that shelters her. She has glimmering lavender eyes and long straight hair that burns with bluish silver... Wearing... wearing.... What is she wearing? Shimmering silk that seems to have been spun from the moon's reflection on the water. It wraps around her like a toga... that blows in the wind as she blows a kiss to shore. A kiss that quickly changes into a butterfly on silver wings... Can't you just imagine?

I know, I know.... I should really stop day-dreaming. But at least I tried! I did e-maths before this! Well... I did give up half-way. But! Only owing to the fact that Mrs Sundar decided that we should have a mock exam tomorrow. So crap right? Like! If you wanted to do that shouldn't you oh, I don't know... Tell us a month in advance?! There is just way way too much to cover in a week I tell u! *grumbles* Plus! I was sick for like 4 days! What does that leave me with!? Pish... Besides, my head hurts and my back hurt and I have a physics test tomorrow too. I believe that my CA is much more important than a fucking mock exam. I don't even see why I need to take it! Half the level is obviously going to fail because no one can fucking remember anything. (Getting angier and angier by the minute)

Ah! Almost forgot! *ahem* In my years of education, I have realised that some teachers ask for homework and some demand (Like, you owe me your life demand). People like Mrs Toh and Mrs Vijay demand. Today, Mrs Vijay came in while we were getting ready to move off to lit class and screamed " Those who didn't come yesterday, I want your compo book now!!!" Whoa... Excuse me? I am informed that we needed to hand it up yesterday, but do you really have to be like that? Plus, it is not as if you mark it super fast and return it and you still dare to glare at me for not pasting my other compositions in when you didn't return them to me?! *Sheesh* I know that Sherry likes her, but I sure as hell don't.

Oh oh! Mrs Sundar is also really unreasonable. Did you know? That she made the entire class buy a new graph book to do like... 4 questions?! So waste money! When I told her that my old one had run out and there was only 2 questions left for me to do (I wanted to know if I could just staple graph paper on the book), she said "You're all like primary school kids! I don't understand why you must come and ask me stupid questions like that!" *Rebuffs to Jeannette* Of course she doesn't... She's not the one paying money for the damned book that's why! And... She thinks that her subject is the most imprtant. I say! If you told her that your grandfather was in the hospital dying of cancer or something and you can't attend her supplementary, she'd say "So?! He'll die sooner or later anyway... The end result is still the same. It's best to come for my lesson, at least you'll learn something." *laughs crazy*

I got pissed off by many many people today.

*written @ 5:20 午後.

月曜日, 4月 17, 2006
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What do you do when someone treats you really shabbily? *sigh* Duckie (Aaron) is being really mean to me! Well... not really mean as in mean mean but mean. Er...? Haha... I have no idea what I'm talking about either. In church, he won't talk to me and gives me rubbish one word answers when he does. Yesterday, when he didn't come to church, I messaged him to ask him why and he replied :" I had band" Fullstop! It felt as if it was in this " I don't really want to talk to you, but since you took the trouble to care, I have to entertain you" tone of voice. It really smart. which prompts me to ask, "Why are you being like that to me?!" I obviously didn't do anything to deserve it! Huh... It muddles me on how someone can go from one so caring to a meanie just like that! *Snaps fingers* And when I asked him why he is feeling so xian, he says that it's nothing. -.-" So it cannot be him right? Than it must be me! What poppicock. This is befuddling! He used to randomly wish me good morning and now my duckie doesn't want me anymore! *Cries* Well... This has been going on for ages and ages already. I'm so sick of the flickering nice, not nice, nice, not nice. Argh! It's killing me. Can't he just make up his freaking mind on what he wants to be? *Sheesh* I wonder... did Aaron actually think that I wouldn't notice? I think so. It is my belief that he thinks that I am blind and brainless at the same time. Bah. I won't stand for this anymore.

The seven eleven at the Simei Mrt is open! *Squeals* Hahaha! Know what that means? It's means Sulrpee!!!! *grins* Oh oh! And Hershley's special dark chocolate! ARGH! Stupid retched throat infection. *mumbles off in a string of profanities*

My Dad is so strange... *Nods nods* He keeps bugging me about being sick. Which! I find is silly because I know that it's my own fault that I'm sick and although I feel terrible, I won't die so soon. Besides, it's a blessing to be able to die young. (According to Sherry, the world ends in about 15 years time. So.... I'll be dead when I'm about 40.) Anyway, back to topic at hand. My Dad forced me to go out on Friday. To do what? To see cars! Did I ever mention that I HATE DOING THAT? No? Well! Now you do. And he didn't let me pick the place where I wanted to eat. So I got stuck eating chinese food. Sure, it was good... But! I didn't want to eat that. *Scowls* Looking at cars is definitely the most boring thing that anyone can possibly do. (In my opinion that is) He wouldn't let me stay at home on Friday and he wouldn't let me go to church yesterday! What the.... But in the end, I still went. I went and I felt great.


Sherry is thinking of going to City Harvest Church. *shudders* Can you just imagine?! My darling Sherry turning into one of those FREAKY City Harvest people?! The mere thought makes me feel slightly ill. *bleah* I emphasis freaking because... Every single person I know who goes to City Harvest is freaky. They are really annoying! Plus, you have to queue up to get in. HOW SERIOUSLY PATHETIC IS THAT?! I believe that if you want to praise God, you shouldn't have to queue! You should be welcomed. Isn't that right? Oh whatever.

Is it truly better to be loved than to love?

*written @ 10:56 午前.

木曜日, 4月 13, 2006
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The Sweetest Dream

Silver stories and fairytales,
Twins that sing as banshees wail.
Eye of newt and toe of frog.
So unreal and yet, so wrong.

Golden ribbons and cottonballs,
Never to be seen once more.
Eyes that weep with crimson tears,
Be as you are, my greastest fear.

Songs of laughter with threads that weave,
Watch me as I thoroughly sheave,
Throught the hatred and cold rain,
Hoping, hoping to turn insane.

It doesn't hurt at all, these words,
Thrown by enemies and meant for hurt.
Smile not as my eyes drain dry,
See as not suffer and not sigh.

Aileen

*written @ 8:17 午後.

水曜日, 4月 12, 2006
*/

I love "I'm just a kid" by Simple Plan! Hahaha... Go try hear it out one day. Mrs Vijay is positively mean! She didn't come to school today and made the whole class so happy! But oh woe is 4D... She left us a compre. Bah. I wouldn't really mind it if it was just the questions, but no... She had to leave us the summary too! Plus, it was 17 questions! That's a lot... And! We had to finish it in an hour! Isn't that so absurd? Even for me, a comprehension with summary takes me about 1 hour and 15 minutes to do. Half the class hadn't finished the stupid comprehension by the end of the hour. So irritaing...

Flipping through the old photo albums, I have realised one thing : I'm the only one is my house who has lost weight over the years. *laughs* But there was a tiny tiny detail that didn't change- THE FACT THAT I'M STILL TINY! It kinda sucks... Yet, kinda nice. Haha... Being the tiniest in the family lets me wear the nicest, highest shoes. *Yes!* And the photos make me extremely grateful that I am no longer mushroom headed. (Don't ask)

Gabriel and Wei Ming are mean! *Cries* They're always bluffing me. They yell "Chocolate!" And when I run to them, they hit me. Er...? Hahaha... I woke Wei Ming up today when I was happily ruffling his hair (It was so tufty! I couldn't resist) and poking him. And he made me go "Uh oh" when he got up. Now, the only thing to do when he wakes up like that, it to run. At once! *Sigh* But not fast enough. He cornered me and than held my head and head-butted it with his. Hahahaha... My class is so fun.

Oh oh! I am currently trying to force out of Josiah that he likes Cassandra! *laughs evilly* But so far... my efforts have being in vain. He always does some wushu move that makes me shut up. I will do something about it!

So are the rants of an unsound mind.

*written @ 6:14 午後.

火曜日, 4月 11, 2006
*/

Bah. Sports day is on Thursday. ARGH! Pray tell, what is the purpose and point of sports day? Huh?! *Sheesh* All people do on that day is sit in the stadium, under the sweltering heat and sulk. Being Secondary four, we have already lost the ability to pretend to have fun. What is the fun of seeing sweaty people running and running and running?

So... In order to save myself from this horrible horrible event, I have decided to take MC on Thursday. I was having a cold last week, it has healed already! *Growls* How come my colds never heal by themselves when I desperately need them to? Anyway, I was really disappointed... So! I tried to catch whatever Adrianna was having! Hahaha... She's always sick so there must be something to catch. I assumed wrongly. Her grems weren't strong enough! Me being me, I refused to give in to fate-I tried to catch Cassandra's really bad throat infection (Caused by the air contamination of a certain person. Haha... I sure hope that she doesn't start turning in to a toad! Heaven knows that she's already starting to sound like one.) But her germs weren't strong enough either! Crappity crap crap crap.

My last resort: I went out for lunch with Ryan and Jeannette today. Ryan was coughing and coughing and coughing. How wonderful! Hahaha... I kinda think that he caught my leftover cold from last week, but if it didn't affect me much, how come his so sick? No matter. I tried to catch it. Hopefully, it works this time. Are a guy's germs anymore powerful than a girl's?

You know... I suspect that there is something that floats around in the air every tuesday that drains my energy. Haha... I tend to fall asleep very easily in class on Tuesday. And today being such a boring class day didn't help much. Oh oh! We did the scrip for Twelveth Night in literature class. It's going to be so hilarious! *laughs crazily in anticipation* I'm playing Sebastian! Haha... But I don't really mind. It's going to be really fun. And almost the scrip was written by Jeanette and I. Hahaha...

*Muarks* You know you love me

*written @ 7:38 午後.

土曜日, 4月 08, 2006
*/

I laugh as crystals rain from the endless blue sky, they drizzle and yet fall as if on a mission. Spinning around, I take in the sights. Crimson crystals turn to liquid as they stain my dress. Why a dress? I have no idea. Sky changes to midnight blue with the aura of stars and everything becomes pure again. Icy breath clings to the air as my hands reach out the grab the pressense in front of me. It is warm, I pull it close to me to remove the cold. It disappears the moment I do that. Why? Midnight blue blends into red and the result is the sea. So beautiful, it takes my breath away. Masked by the essence of dreams, I dive into oblivion. Free is the word that echos in my soul, that wraps itself around my bearly beating heart. So be able to see is my fortune, as my mind begins to empty itself out. Cares and worries flit away-as vapour that are darkly scented. Suddenly, the picture changes. An aquarium! Glass walls. Where can I go? No where. My soul resides next to me and she cries out as she starts to disapitate. I try to help her, but I can't. Tears for a lost fortune.

Missing me
Be with me till my days past,
to see, to hear, to never cast
Truth of judgement, endless pain,
To cease to be, the lie that came.

Laugh with me as echos do,
With sounds that tinkle, with sounds like dew.
Sparkle with light that grazes the clouds,
And hold my hand and never to flout.

Eternity as seawater spray,
To be as what I ever prayed.
See my smile, with dreams galore,
To never stumble, to never fall.

Take my hand and fly with me,
To meet my aura and to be free.
Love me for the creature be
So that one day, I will truly be me.

Aileen

I have decided that if no one I love will love me, I will love myself! *beams with pride* Besides, Aiden loves me! *laughs* Oh! Oh! I will never ever breakup with Aiden! (For cause the reason being that....) It's really way to bad about the teeny weeny little imperfection though. *sighs*

Er... In case you can't tell, the poem above is a happy poem. Haha... Jie says that what I write is very depressing so I decided to write something happy!

I haven't really been feeling like me lately. Can't decide what I want to do and what it's been pretty difficult to keep a hold on my thoughts. *Runs around grabbing thoughts from the ceiling* I feel like shaking myself and asking :" Can you please not be so xian?!" However, I also wish to strangle a couple of people and telling them " Can you please try to grow a brain?! I know that that's like asking the impossible but at least if people ask, you can said you tried." They are really that brainless.

Besides, since I went to Marina Square today and I saw a huge bunch of stuff that I liked, I'll write a wishlist! Haha... *Psst... My Birthday is coming...*

1. A pair of Manolo Blahniks
2. White eyeliner from Bodyshop
3. Black liquid eyeliner from The Makeup Store
4. Sparkly Apple green liquid eyeliner from The Makeup Store
5. Black tube dress from IS
6. A new heart (Mine is cracked in a quite a few places)
7. Simple plan CD
8. A new prince tennis racket (Yes I can play tennis)
9. i-pod nano (In black)
10. Paradise kiss (book 1) From Kinokuniya manga (Takashimaya)
11. Model (book 1) From Kinokuniya manga
12. Princess Ai (book 1) from Kinokuniya mang
13. Godiva truffles
14. Ankle-strap heels
15. A cool, sporty bag
16. One of the pretty notebooks from the notebook store at Citylink (with lines please)
17. A pentagon pendent (Tiffany and Co.)
18. A bikini that actually fits
19. Lilies!/Tulips/Roses
20. Westlife CD
21. Bakers Inz warm chocolate cake
22. a tankini
23. Pumps from Miu Miu
24. A saxophone
25. A champange glass from the store at Citylink

I know that not many people read my blog but a huge hug for those who do!
(Er... Excluding Mr Sim, Jia Yu, Jasmine, and any other people who are out to make my life hell. Oh! And assholes!)

Have a happeningly beautiful day!

*written @ 8:34 午後.

木曜日, 4月 06, 2006
*/

What Are You

Are you really, truly mine?
To kiss, to hold, to shelter thine?
Don't lie to me with warm blue affections.
Is that seriously a satisfaction?

You told me you loved me
And where are you now?
To jingle, to seek
To reap what you sow.

Cruelty is their middle name
One by one, they're all the same
Tossing me like wilted flowers
Just to prove they have that power

Liars, cheats of souls divine
To seek, to torture, time after time
Be as what your beauty holds
Kindness and faith multiplied ten fold.

Aileen

I think! That life is really... *bleah* I mean, just look at it! You are born, you go to pre-school, you... have assestment books for maths (I just saw a book called pre-school maths. OMG), you go to kindergarden, you get another assesment book for maths! You go to primary school, you get upgraded! You get tuition! For chinese and maths! You go to secondary school and do the same thing and then, life gets interesting! You grow up! And you get a job, get married, work your butt off, have kids, and wait for them to grow up. After that, what happens? You die! *laughs crazily* Literally, you... try to make something out of life and what happens, you die. The irony of it all!

I have never liked people who say :" Be thankful for what you already have." Sure, be thankful! But if all of us were like that, we would never improve now would we? *shakes head* However, life seems to be so much better that way.

There's always someone's smile that makes the rain go away. Someone who is obviously way younger than me. Hahaha... I ought to be really grateful shouldn't I? Life doesn't rain all the time, there is sunshine and snow, not forgetting the beautiful orange leaves of August. I know the tales that weave in and out of the clouds, I see the sparkly silver lining. Signs should have been read, the truth should have been heard. Unfortunately, the true stings like a stingray. Grow up she said. Is it really that simple? To leave everything behind as you let go of the hand holding on to yours. Firefly, firefly, where are you going? Firefly, firefly, what are you going to do? Tell me, tell me, what I should be, to sing a song or squish a bee? Like truth, thou never to seek the diamond tears that mistress glimmers.

Don't ask. Just... don't ask.

*written @ 7:11 午後.

水曜日, 4月 05, 2006
*/

Sometimes, I find myself unwittingly thinking about him. It's really strange- that I brood over someone for so long. Usually I just don't care and look for someone else, or.... I just get over it. I know how pointless it is, so why is it that I still hang on with hope? Why am I so stupid?! Dammit. I never really understand it. Why do they always leave me hanging halfway? It's so annoying and it hurts like hell. One by one, I hope they'll be different. But they never are! They're always the same. Painfully, endlessly, the same. What is wrong with me that makes things happen this way?

No, really! What is wrong with me? Tell me! I can handle it. I not as weak as you think I am, I won't cry or whine or be dumb enough to wait for things to change.

Don't speak to me like you love me, if you don't. It makes you a liar and I really don't want to know if you love me or not. I don't need you to make me smile or to care. Just go! Just... Do whatever you want. It'll please you won't it? Isn't that what you wanted? I can't believe I trusted you! You promised to always be there for me! How could you? Liar. Hm... Nothing is ever perfect is it? I'm feeling so helpless now that everything I've ever believed in is washing down the drain. Why is this happening to me again?!

Will someone just tell me that they love me? I need to hear it-I need to know that it's not a lie. I want to feel that I'm not an object that can be commanded and moved around at will. Leave me alone! Just... Leave me alone. Do not make me doubt that peace that I've went through so much to achieve. Is it really that amusing? To torment me and make my life more hell that it already is?! I don't want to just exist any longer. I'm sorry I can't be accepting and unquestioning, it's just not me. It burns that I try to seek solace in people who make me bleed. What is wrong with me?

Anywhere. Anywhere must be better than here. I'll never ever be good enough. Not for him, not for myself, not for anyone.

*written @ 9:41 午後.

月曜日, 4月 03, 2006
*/

Look! Look! Isn't it pretty? *Points at sparkly bits of glass blowing past* People :" Yes! It is!" *Child runs and pulls the hem of my shirt* *Asks* :" What is it?" *Replies* " Why my darling, it's my shattered dreams!"

Ah yes... Dreams... *Says in a wistful voice* I remember them so well. The time when I so longed to be a vet and the time when I so longed to be a designer. I didn't ask for very much did I? But no... Reality had to come and go *stomp stomp stomp* on both of them! Couldn't I keep one? NO! *Yells reality*

When I was somewhere in Pri 4, I asked my chinese tuition teacher "Lao Shi. What should I be?" *starts humming Que Sera Sera* To my surprise, she said I should be a lawyer! And I laughed madly. Me? A lawyer?!

Irony is, I'll probably end up studying law! Bah. Design.... and law. They're like 400 million worlds apart!

Stop wanting different things from me! Go and sort it out amongst yourselves, than come and tell me the decision. Don't tell me that I have to decide for myself because I can't do what I want and I have no talent!

*written @ 7:59 午後.

日曜日, 4月 02, 2006
*/

sherry has gotten me interested in horoscopes about faithfulness...

Here it is:
Gemini woman
Ruled by quick-thinking Mercury, the Trickster planet, you know how to trick and treat any man you’re after, so fidelity isn’t exactly top of your shopping list. The key to togetherness for you is communication. The more you can share ideas and rap with the man in your life, the more loyal you’ll become. You can’t bear to be tied down, so you need to convince, or con, yourself that you’ve kept your options open. Only then can you be really happy, playing the love-game with just one partner.

Er... not very pretty is it? Haha! To say that it's accurate is insulting myself, to say that it's inaccurate will be lying. Therefore, I shall say nothing. *Beams*

Anyway, since I am a bit irritated, I shall type the things I hate!
1. When people barge into my room when I'm changing
2. When people barge into my room. Period.
3. When people re-arrange my things without my knowledge
4. That I'm not ever going to be perfect
5. That nothing I ever do will ever please anybody
6. When anyone lectures me on how to study (I know how to study on my own dammit)
7. When anything female PMSes
8. People treating me like a freaking library
9. Being ordered around
10. Pink
11. When people I like never like me back (It's annoying!)
12. People asking me "What you want?!" (It's really rude and I never say that to people)
13. Failing
14. Catching colds (Fever and throat infection I can take but colds...)
15. Stupid irritating whiny people
16. Act cute girls (Kim Wakerman)
17. People calling me by my last name and teasing me about it (Seriously! Enough is enough!)
18. Being insulted and belittled
19. Council
20. People who are stupidly passionate about it (*Ahem* whose names I shall not mention)
21. Sneaks (Again, who names I shall not mention)
22. People who never have time for me but expect me to make time for them (slowly dream)
23. Boyfriends of sisters who make their lives revolve around them (Can you just please go and try to grow a brain?!)
24. Sisters who let themselves be swayed (Can you please go and snatch your brain back from Oblivion?!)
25. Selfishness
26. Death
27. Crying
28. People hitting my head (I know that I'm very stupid but you don't have to make it worse right?)
29. When people expect me to apologise when it's obviously their fault
30. When I actually apologise
31. Getting a gutter ball when I go bowling
32. My social studies teacher
33. Argumentative essays
34. Gabriel Soh crushing my hand
35. The stupid finger joke (I can only take so much you know)
36. Liars
37. Bad music
38. Being sane

That's it for now I guess. I got pissed off... so... haha

*written @ 8:30 午後.

土曜日, 4月 01, 2006
*/

Endless Imagination

Lend me your wings so I can fly,
Through the trees and to the sky.
Blow me a kiss as I leave you here.
Without crying, without fear.

Endlessness I'll come across.
With no wane and with no pause.
Through the years, I'll always stay,
Right beside you, if I may.

With pepper roses and rainbow dots.
The books I leaf through, the errors I spot.
So many questions with so little answers.
Why do they exist?

Song of worship I will miss,
As I disappear without my first kiss.
Burnt roast chicken and toasted chips,
To lead a sad land without ships.

Cry with the soul of diamond tears,
As you pass through dimensions of worlds.
Leave me be, forever more
To never see, to always be sore.

Aileen

I've blown my nose until it's sore. *Winces in pain* Flu-ey! Yeah, that's it! I'm feeling awfully flu-ey...

Someone tell me " How is capital punishment effective in fighting crime?" Argh. I had to write and argumentative composition on it and I can't find any edividence anywhere that supports that! It's so annoying! And, I can't write that any evidence that supports the effectiveness of capital punishment in fighting crime is currently unavailable. This stupid composition is killing me! Someone help me write it please? *Cries* The question is " Capital punishment is effective in fighting crime. Do you agree?"

Oh pish.

*written @ 10:56 午後.