日曜日, 2月 26, 2006

Would you believe me if I told you that God spoke to me through someone else today?

I know that it sounds completely unbelievable, but it's true. Pastor Rusty couldn't possibly have known about my pain, my worries, my feeling of misidentity and loss. It just isn't possible! I mean, he knew how many people had back problems, sore throats, etc... in the crowd. He even knew that Ian had a knee injury in his left knee, and that there was a boy who couldn't hear in his left ear. He could name the exact numbers! How incredible is that?

The Lord healed my back. My back with it's unknown problem. !!!!!! Plus, this guy just deserted his crutches and started walking without help during the service! Praise the Lord! And the boy who was deaf in one ear could hear. Wow...

The Lord said to me through Pastor Rusty :" I will make you a great evangelist if you would cast down your cares and walk with me." Before that, he said "Jesus loves you." I started crying then. But the strange thing is, I wasn't sobbing on the outside, I could feel so much lifted away from me. My past, my pain, all lifted away. When Major Serene started praying for me, my mind spaced out. All I could feel was that I was falling backward, and all I remember was taking a step back. I really don't know if the falling was my own body or Major serene pushing me (She wasn't too steady at that time). But there's this conviction telling me that it was me.

I don't care if anyone thinks that I am crazy, I know what I felt. PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY. For he exists and he is my salvation.

*written @ 6:56 午後.

土曜日, 2月 25, 2006

On My Own

On my own, pretending that his beside me.
All alone I walk with him till morning.
Without him I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

And I know its only in my mind that I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind, still I say theres a way for us.
I love him, but when the night is over, he is gone, a river's just a river.
Without him the world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of stangers.

I love him but everyday I'm learning, all my life I've only been pretending.
Without me his world will go on turning.
The world is full of happiness that I have never known.
I love him, I love him, I love him, but only on my own.

a musical by Alain Boublil & Claude-michel Schonberg

Lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer

*written @ 1:11 午後.

水曜日, 2月 22, 2006

This afternoon, I saw Jia Yu sitting with Mr sim outside the staffroom. Which is pretty weird, because no one ever talks to teachers like that unless something's up. Almost Gabriel was like "Oh look! Scandel scandel! Quick take a picture!" I was afraid. Was I being sneaked on again? I have been using my mobile phone in class recently... Because there have been a lot of last minute tuition changes. Is it about that I wonder? Well! At least if I'm in trouble (AGAIN) I know who got me into it and who to settle it with. Like come on! It's my last year. Can't you just give me a break? Wan Ting is also getting immensely irritating. (I think it's because I haven't been in too good a mood lately) She's always, always bugging me about my tie. Tell me, how do I put on my tie when my hands are full of books? Apparently, I'm supposed to. -.-" Plus, if I'm leaving school soon, can't she just let me not wear my tie? It's not as if if I don' wear my tie, I'll infect council with bad karma or something. Besides, council has enough bad karma to last a life time, I haighy doubt that I can make it worse. Oh whatever. I am so sticking to the "I'm going to burn my tie straight after I leave Dunman" and Gabriel and Jeanette and Wei Ming have very generously offered to help me. You know what? No one can do a single thing about it! NO ONE. Just watch me.

Here are pics of my school's racial harmony bazaar thing:

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Lee Teng and Eunice!

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Jia Yu, Jasmine, Cassandra (aka Cass! Isn't she cute?), Eileen, Fiona. (In our classroom)

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And so the dicriminating pics of Jeanette begin. (In our classroom)

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Jeanette and Adrianna!

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Rhys and Neilson. Hm... Wonder what's Neilson looking for.

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My two darlings! Charlene and Hui Jing!

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My da jie and er jie! Haha...


*written @ 10:14 午後.

火曜日, 2月 21, 2006

Bah. Can someone tell me if my tag board is still there? I just went to see my blog and my tag board was no where to be found. *sighs* So I'm wondering if it's the problem is my Dad's computer or blogger or my template.

Anyway, I'm wondering how sherry can be so free. It's driving me crazy! Why is it that I'm always running around doing something and she is doing nothing?! *fumes* I'm really (x100) busy. I'm wondering how I can sit here calmly and type this.

My Schedule:
Monday : chinese from 2.30 to 3.30, maths tuition from 5 to 7.
Tuesday : Chinese tuition at 6 to 7.30
Wednesday : E-maths from 2.30- about 4, chinese tuition at 6 to 7.30
Thursday: Piano at 3.30
Friday : Chinese compo thing from 1.30 to 3. Night study from 6 to 9.
Saturday : Drums at 10 to 11. Piano from 8 to 9
Sunday : Church

See?! I have absolutely no time for fun or myself! I'm stressed out... Especially on Friday. I mean, after the stupid compo thing, I'll already be tired. Plus, I still have to come back for night study?! That's just... BAD. The school doesn't think that at night, we'll all be too tired to do comprehensions.

The teachers are really terrible. They load us with so much homework and remedials. Do they actually think that all the supplimentarys help? Supplimentary is just "Let's sit around for about an hour and try desprately not to fall asleep" time. With all the homework piling up on us, we have to rush it all the time. I have even resorted to using my recess time to complete my homework. It is seriously difficult to believe that even when the school and teachers suffocate us like that, they still expect us to study. It's fucking ridiculous. Hello?! If you want us to die, all you had to do is force pills down our throats. Anything! Anything is better than going through all this! I'm so exhausted. And please do not yell at me for my spelling, I'm brain dead enough as it is already. Even Neilson says that I look like a zombie. *Sigh*

Oh yeah... did I mention that I hate council too? I hate my tie. I feel like taking it off and going *stomp stomp stomp* on it! It's so suffocating.

I'm tired...

*written @ 9:58 午後.

日曜日, 2月 19, 2006

This is the first time I actually had youth fellowship since I entered Salvation Army Changi Corps. It was fun! Haha... Except for the fact the Elliot sat on me. Ew. I seriously do not like him, at all! His so irritaing and he has to complain about every single detail. *sigh*

I have gotten over him! Why does everyone doubt me? Hui Jing was like "You sure? Aren't you going to miss him if you let go?" The answer is... no. I am not going to miss him. I'm way better than that. If he doesn't want me, it's his own loss to mourn. I don't care anymore, don't want to care anymore. I'm so tired of it... He doesn't even talk to me anymore. I had always thought that he would be the one who would be there for me always. Silly me eh? To believe in an impossible dream. It's ok... I'll just be by myself as usual. Always, eternally, by myself. Now, after I let go, I ask myself "Did I make the right choice? Should I have let go? Would he have returned my feelings if I had just waited a bit longer? Would everything be better if I told him?" These doubts come to mind. I still do things for him- a reminder of my affection. Does he even see? Am I even appreciated? I don't know.

I was such a fool to place my hopes on him. To actually believe that for once, I had found someone who I really liked. I couldn't run away from it, for everytime I tried, I ended up going back to him. I don't have time for that anymore.

I will stand alone, and I will stand proud.

*written @ 4:53 午後.

土曜日, 2月 18, 2006

After talking to Sherry today, I realised that... I would rather shave my head than become like her in her current relationship. I really would elaborate, but believe me, you really don't want to know. Actually, I really wouldn't mind shaving my head at all! Hm...

Anyway, I am so over him. Really! I'm so proud of myself! I got pissed off at myself for being so bimbotic and stupid and irritatible that I just screamed at myself to get rid of him. Haha... Can't believe it really worked. *Heaves a sigh of relief*

I hate reading manga sometimes. Although it's my favourite hobby, it gets annoying. Especially when all of the stupid characters have perfect hair! *Growls*

Random thought: How does a ponytail stay up?

Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday dear Mummy... Happy birthday to you.

God, how I miss her...

*written @ 9:43 午後.

木曜日, 2月 16, 2006

This is my english worksheet

Identify the feelings in the following situations:
1. Aileen and Jia Yu were great friends. Being teenagers, they experienced their fair share of crushes. Aileen's current hero was the class athlete, Wei Ming.

Thinking they were alon in the class, Jia Yu started teasing Aileen about her infatuation. Aileen felt rather shy at first, but later warmed up to the topic. She admitted that she was crazy about him and that she would even consider marrying him if he asked for her then. They were giggling and nudging each other when they discovered there was someone else in the room.

Seated at the corner of the room, looking abashed and decidedly red-faced was the hero they were worshipping, Wei Ming. Jia Yu looked at Aileen...

Feelings identified: Oh... I don't know... Rage?

It was my english worksheet! Jia Yu and I are not great friends! Plus, I sound like a freaking bimbo. The thought of my "hero" being Wei Ming is making me feel a bit sick. Hahaha... But it is funny isn't it?

It feels so good to have no homework!

*written @ 9:03 午後.

月曜日, 2月 13, 2006

I often ask myself this, "Why won't he love me?" It's so ironic that while I give good relationship advice to people, my own relationships are completely fucked up. I don't know... I just don't know! Do you know how difficult it is to only want one? All I do is wait. And it's starting to feel like forever! Will he really be worth it? Only Heaven knows... I truly don't know what I see in him and Sherry says his an idiot. But I can't forget no matter how hard i try... Going through everyday like this is pure torture! I seriously don't know why I hang on. I just refuse to let go, it's as if my life depends on it. Hahaha... I know it doesn't, but it's so consuming, so addictive. He is my drug, he is my poison. Sherry tells me that his not worth it. I beg to differ! For is it not me who is unworthy of him? My life is agony! pure and untainted agony.

I'll heave a sigh of relief when I let go of my pain. He made me want to cry so much, it almost drove me crazy. But I didn't for I am strong. I'll be free. The time he made me smile seems so long ago. I believed that he would cheer me up always. But I was wrong, I am always wrong! He promised to always be there for me. He lied! How could he lie to me? I don't understand... The way he used to care made me feel so loved. Now, it's gone. I feel so betrayed-the way he tossed me out like trash when he lost interest. It won't matter soon. I will be free. He is my joy and my
pain. When his happy, so will I be. He doesn't know, he'll never know. In front of him, my smile is real. Without him, it's just to hide my pain.

Don't ask me who, don't ask me why. His just someone never meant to be...

Anyway, I have concluded that gary thinks with his privates cause he obviously has no brain! Apparently, his privates aren't very smart either.

What do you do when the person you love doesn't love you back?

*written @ 6:30 午後.

日曜日, 2月 12, 2006

Throughtout my secondary school life, I have never really felt neglected by friends. Well, except for about one or two times. Neglected by friends who have boyfriends that is. Today, I felt it for the first time.

After the stupid fair, I was kind tired of waiting for Kelly (she always takes ages), then, I saw Gary and B(lets just call the girl B). So... I pranced to them and asked where they were going. Well, one is my junior and one is my friend, so I generally figured that they were just going out since they know each other. I asked if I could come along and B said "anything!" I should have taken it as a no, but regretfully, I took it as a yes.

We went to TM, all through the journey, I realised that the atmosphere was funny. Like I was in the middle of something and interrupting them. I dismissed it. I decided that I wanted to eat Gelare, so we went. I started to feel like I was playing gooseberry halfway through my ice-cream. That feeling is bad...

When we went to walk around, I discovered that I was being left out. Which is kinda weird... Plus, they were being very intimate. MY JUNIOR AND MY FRIEND. She kept whispering in his ear and wouldn't share it with me. And! She kept talking to his neck. It was way gross. At CS, after we finished playing arcade, I saw Gary put his arm around B's waist. That was when I blew. I immediently annouced that I had to go home and hurried to somewhere else.

HELLO?! If I wasn't welcome to go out with both of them, shouldn't they just tell me? Better than me going and seeing all that. B did not tell me about their relationship, she let me find it out for myself. Bad move... His hands were like everywhere alright? On her shoulder, on her waist, on her back. And it was as if I didn't exist! IT WAS DISGUSTING. Maybe I deserved a warning of some sort? I heard from somewhere that some guys think with their privates rather than with their brain. Gary is one of them. Come on! Be a bit more sensitive! You do not do that in front of an outsider! MY JUNIOR, TOUCHY FEELY-ING ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. Bad bad bad bad bad!

Maybe I'm just protective. But his like 15! Going out with my darling! He should keep his hands to himself! I am no longer going to treat Gary like the friend I thought him to be. Never again. Gary is no longer the person I thought he was. So annoying! Both of them!

I do wish that not all guys are like that. If they were, I would rather be lesbian.

*written @ 12:03 午前.

水曜日, 2月 08, 2006

I can feel it looming... The cold, dark feeling that it brings. The horror that it strikes into my heart. Valentine's day is coming! *Dramatic thundering in the background* It's practically doomsday! Especially for the unattached. All the flowers and boyfriends and love love everywhere. ARGH! It makes me nuseous. Why? All the flowers and presents and people to go out with and all the happy faces and I don' t have!!! *Sobs hysterically*

As many people know, I don't really have many female friends in school, so I don't really have a buddy to good out with on valentine's day. Bah. *sulks* I need to make up someone imaginary! Quickly! If I can't be happy and contented in real life, I can be happy in my imagination. So there! *sticks out tongue*

*Sigh* Anybody out there free to keep me company on that awful day?

*written @ 8:31 午後.

火曜日, 2月 07, 2006

*Drat*I suppose that most of Ian's stupid basketball people think that I'm his girlfriend. -.-"" I was supposed to create the *ahem* expression that Sherry was his girlfriend! Last night, somebody kept pestering me to go for Ian's basketball match. Who ah? I wonder... Must be a certain fruit! Stupid girl. "Aileen Aileen please can we go? Please? Mr Jeff says that he can fetch us... Please..." Who ah? Hahaha... It was so stupid! I mean, the match was good, but the stupid fruit just went there and kept quiet. I was the one who was making lots of noise (like I always do) and arguing with Ian and whining because I kept getting suaned by him. Waste my time only... *tsk tsk* Man... you should have seen how red she was when a couple of Merris Stella guys went "Eh! Your girlfriend came! She's waiting for you leh... Hurry up lah!" *laughs* She tried to run away! Oh! And I learnt a couple of things... like how basketball is such a touchy sport. I saw one guy accidently grope another guy's butt! So gross... Also, I had always thought that the east side ah lians were the worst, but nope! They aren't now! I have decided that the central ah lians are the worst. Well, at least the east side one are slim.

Anyway, pictures pictures!

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Russell! Teehee...

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Haha... the big doggy is called floppy! =D just felt bored!

*written @ 6:51 午後.

日曜日, 2月 05, 2006

You stay up to the darkest of night,
Waiting for me to give you a fright.
Your neck bared for the world to see,
And you have a present, a present for me.

You want me, but you don't love me.
My thirst, my hunger, betrays my convictions.
You are my weakness, my temptation.

Cold lips feel your warmth, the elixar rushing through your veins.
Teeth that blemish your soft skin, draining the sweetness within.
You writh in ectasy and cling on to me in pleasure.
But all I can do is cry.

You want me, but you don't love me.
My thirst, my hunger, betrays my convictions.
You are my weakness, my temptation.

I've searched a hundred years for you, can't you see?
Immortality is nothing without you.
You use me as a drug, nothing more.
I will be that drug.

You want me, but you don't love me.
My thirst, my hunger, betrays my convictions.
You are my weakness, my temptation.

All I asked is that you desire me and me alone.
But you couldn't do it.
My love is not a toy, the price to pay is heavy.
I will have your very essence.

You want me, but you don't love me.
My thirst, my hunger, betrays my convictions.
You are my weakness, my temptation.

You stain my lips with crimson and torment my ears with agony.
All I asked was one thing.
It wasn't your blood, it was love.
Why couldn't you love me as much as I love you?


Written by Aileen.

Would you believe me if I told you that I was singing this song in a dream? I sang this just before I slit my wrists and drank my own blood. It amuses me how strange my dreams are. Anyway, although I said I sang it, I can't remember the music. Not at all... So, my reason for posting it up here is to ask if anyone is willing to help me come up with music for this. I can't do it myself, because I need drums, a bass and an electric guitar and a keyboard. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm thinking of asking Gabriel Soh if his willing to do it for me, but maybe it's not as good as I think it is. It has to be like heavy metal or those kind of breathe-y songs. Haha... If anyone can help me do the music and I'm fine with the results, they can have the song. I'm open to editions and comments!

There's one thing that's been on my mind. Since about two years ago, there has been this figure that's been lerking about in my dreams. His always there and always wearing a white shirt and long blue pants. A uniform? Seems to be. But I can never see his face. It bothers me because I can always see the faces of people in my dream. Recently however, it's starting to become a bit clearer. I can see his hair and hints of a face. This is killing me! Who is this person?!


*written @ 11:55 午前.