土曜日, 12月 31, 2005

It's 11.50 pm. 2006 is like *gasp* ten minutes away! It's like the moment everyone's waiting for, the countdown. And I'm sitting at home, typing rubbish and wishing that all this new year madness would go away and leave me alone.

I mean, what's so nice about the new year?! I really don't see it! Well, 'cept for the fact that it's the year I turn 16. The year which I can finally get a boyfriend! Hahaha... *Ahem* Not that I actually want one... It's just that when valentine's day caome about, everyone has one and I don't have! It's painful! Hahaha...

3 more minutes! *Argh* I don't wanna go back to school! I haven't even completed all my homework yet! What was I doing for the past two months?Er... trying to get as much sleep as possible?

1 MORE MINUTE.... 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Dammit! Happy new year to all the people who enjoy the new year.


*written @ 11:48 午後.


Rose-coloured glasses
A tear glistens,
An eyelid blinks.
The droplet rolls down her cheek.
No one sees it, no one hears.

A silent echo,
Deafening, yet unsound.
Three million pieces of broken glass,
Words that cut her like ice.

Her pain, her sorrow,
Nobody knows.
A matted quill lies still and quiet,
In the pressence of a suicide note.

Rosewater ink stains the bed,
As a result of slit wrists.
Noise hides behind running water,
Like the instinct of popping pills.

Soft and gentle,
The caresses of sweet slumber,
As crimson flows freely.
Nothing mattered anymore.

The breathing stops,
And the water floods,
Drawing people to the scene.

The once carefree girl they all knew was gone.
No one knew her sorrow, no one knew her pain.
They could deny, but could never hide,
Their chosen effect of rose-coloured glasses.


Fuck. That's all I can say, just fuck. When I think of my future, all I can do is... sigh. I can't do the things I want to do, and I completely suck at studying. (Those people who think I'm smart, please don't think that way. I sucked at everything I ever tried and will suck at anything I try to do.) "Why don't I just go and commit suicide now?" This is a question I've asked myself thousands of times. Actually, I've been asking that the moment my mother left me to fend for myself. *Sigh* The time where everything came apart is such a recent memory. The thing that annoys me is, that I can't commit suicide. Why?! If I do, I'll go hell. *Bah* Like this isn't hell already.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I don't know really. I started out wanting to be a vet. That dream crumbled last year. Isn't it the saddest thing? My twelve year old dream crushed just like that-just because I fucking failed to get into triple science (Can't do bio). I grew up loving animals, but God decided to make me good in humanities and literature. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?! Like, what's the point in being good in geography? I'm not going to work in hi-tech farming or tourism! Literature? So I can pretend to read Shakephere's homosexual and twisted mind when he writes plays. Wow... So impressive. Not.

Then I decided that since I couldn't do anything in the science field, I would be a designer. Of fashion preferably. However, according to my sisters, I can't draw either. Well! Imagine that, they didn't need a minute to kill my dream. Maybe I should major in music since I have an interest? Well, also according to my sisters, I can't play the piano, the guitar, or drums for nuts! So... I can't draw, I can't do anything musical, can't do maths and science, can't write, can't design. In short, I'm screwed. Might as well just kill me before I die of poverty.

Seriously! I'm like, completely useless! All I can do is crap on my blog and in my journal, which confirms the fact that I'm a horrible writer. Since all I ever do is rant and discuss with myself how I am the most useless person on earth. Since I can't make money out of blogging, it's kind of rubbish doing it.

Maybe for now, I should just focus on getting an incredibly rich boyfriend, who is crazily in love with me and will marry me when I'm sixteen.

*written @ 7:45 午後.

火曜日, 12月 27, 2005

I have this really great urge to just say: "Yeah, like... Whatever." In this incredibly bored voice. I have no wish to tidy up my room! I so feel like saying that to my Dad-His always bugging me to clean up my room. But it is clean! Well, kinda anyway. It's just rather messy and disorganised. *Says in a loud voice* "I like it that way!" Besides, there is no space anywhere to keep anything. -.-" (I love that face! It's how I kinda look like now)

Anyway, pictures pictures! Haha... Haven't posted pictures in a long long time. And I probably won't for a long long time after this, so enjoy! Of course, most of them are of me! Hahaha...

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My darling! Hahaha... Isn't he cute?

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That's me! At Mezza 9... Stupid picture taking person was too bored I guess...

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It's the stupid picture taking person! Squinting to avoid him... Wonder what my Dad is laughing about.

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Dawnie, Jie and me! Assending height! Aren't we all pretty? Hahaha... I know the bag doesn't really match, but I don't care! =P
That's it!

*written @ 10:06 午後.

金曜日, 12月 23, 2005

*Takes a deep breath* Everywhere hurts! *Cries* Believe it or not, I went for training today. Feeling the sharp ache in my knees and the pain in my butt, I think I regret it. A lot! The more I try not to go, the more I need to go. And the more I need to go, the more I don't go. Imagine being with a bunch of super fit, super fast people like for the whole day. All it does is make me feel extremely fat. And JunBao picks on me! Most of the day was like "Swing higher! Look up! Where are you hitting the ball too?! Your opponent is in front, not at the side! Can't you even net the ball properly over the net?!" The thing that gets me is, when he is screaming at me across the hall, he yells my name loud and clear. So that the whole school will know that Aileen is not swinging her racket high enough. However, when his assigning me all my matches, he looks at me and snaps. And asks :"What's your name ah?" I don't understand.

Tomorrow is a good day! Since I don't have drumming, I can watch Yu-gi-oh! And then go back to sleep. I love sleep... When I go to sleep, everything doesn't matter anymore! No one bothers me and I have all my pillows and dogs to keep me company.

I love watching Animia!(On Central at 11) Haha... I love Hellsing! Like, Alucard is the coolest vampire I have ever seen. Well, apart from Lestat and Louie that is. No one can beat Anne Rice's world of beautiful, classic, rich and scheming vampires. I love vampires! You know, although there is no proof that things like vampires, warewolves and unicorns exist, I still like to think that they do. I'm so silly eh? Haha... Clarence's favourite post is "If I were a vampire". I love that post too! *Sigh* How I wish that my dream of crushing Mr Cheng's ribs and letting them puncture his lungs-letting him drown in his own blood would come true. Hm... maybe it's too evil.

I am evil. And random too, it appears.

*written @ 8:32 午後.

水曜日, 12月 21, 2005

I only have one thing so say: "Today was a complete waste of my time!" *Screams*

Everyone knows that I had to go to school today because I(Not really I, my badminton team) had a friendly match with Bukit Batok Sec. I wasn't even there for like five minutes when Mr Lew was calling a gathering. And then, we all got scolded. Why? We didn't volunteer to play. No, actually, it wasn't that. Mr Lew was pissed with Hazel-because, when he asked her to play singles, she replied "But I don't know how!" He was pissed because of that. So stupid right? I agree that it isn't a valid reason, but that is no reason to scream at her until she cried! (Yes, Hazel cried) I mean... Making Hazel cry is completely unheard of! She is liked by everyone, making her cry is just... just wrong! One would think that that was enough for him. But no... He had to yell at the whole team. With vulgarities. (Now, when I say vulgarities in this case, I mean he said a lot of the word shit. It sounded bad.) In the middle of the hall. I think that he was trying to make us feel embrassed and tiny, but all it was doing was, showing off his own grammatically wrong english. I wasn't really paying attention. (I wasn't looking at Mr Lew as he as scolding us.) I just don't like to! I was staring at the floor and mumbling to no one in particular how pointless the whole thing was. I can't look at people when they're scolding me! It's just... very difficult. (I tend to say things back or give this very annoyed face if I look at them) Mr Lew scolded me because I hardly ever attend training. Which, is true, but only because I hate it. He went on about how he covered up for me so that I could get my stupid ONE cca point. He didn't have to. Did he actually think that I would upset myself over ONE cca point? "It's unfair for the others!" He yelled. No one asked him to do it, and life is never fair.

And than after that, JunBao (coach) came and did his rubbish "I'm so disappointed in you all..." Bleah! Is he ever proud of us? Is anyone ever proud of the girls badminton team? No. I kinda feel that both Mr Lew and JunBao are rather selfish-It's all about them! It's all about who gets the respect and their "face". Did they ever ask us "What's the matter? How do you all think you are performing? Do you all think that you are doing the right thing? Do you all think that you give your teacher enough respect?" No. They did, in a sense, but they yelled it at us. How do you reply to questions yelled to you?

We got scolded by Yu Mei(captain) like straightaway after that. *sighs* However, I didn't laze around and sulk. I more or less sat on the piano talking to Gideon, Shane (His so cute! Haha...) and Charleen.

At around 6, the team got scolded again! What is with these people?! If bitching to us straight to our faces wasn't enough, Coach bitched about us to the boys in our pressense. Isn't that like the meanest, rudest, most horrible thing ever?

So I had more than one thing to say. Anyway, I'll say it again. Today was a completely and total waste of time.

*written @ 9:25 午後.

月曜日, 12月 19, 2005

I am not obcessed. Definately! Nope! Not obcessed. No matter what anyone says, I am most positively not obcessed! Yes. Me. No. Obcessed. *breathes* Great! Now I sound obcessed with not being obcessed. -.-"(I know that this stupid face this is completely not me, but this is what I'm feeling right now)Whatever!

*Sigh* I'm feeling cranky. Yes! I've finally managed to find something to describe how I'm feeling! I have been stuck with this lousy feeling all day without knowing what it is. I'm like so sad... Like everyday, there used to be someone who would be concerned about me and ask me how I am. And talk to me... It seems like such a sweet memory-there was actually a living person for me to talk to! And to take my mind away from the constant thought of "I'm xian, I want to die... I'm dying...Why is nobody caring about me?!" Then I start feeling awful and irritated. With no one in the house, the only things for me to voice out to are Russell and my journal. Talking to Russell is way too much of a hassle, so I write in my journal.

I'm sad. *Silence* Why? *Silence* I feel lonely! *Silence* DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLY HORRIBLY DEPRESSING THAT IS?! When there is silence, I think. I love to think! When it about stuff that actually have no answers that is. But the more I think, the more confused I get, and the more confused I get, the more I think!

I am not obcessed.

*written @ 9:20 午後.

土曜日, 12月 17, 2005

I MISS LINDA! I miss her so much... There's no one to talk to me and ask me how I am and no one to bug me to drink water and no one to cook nice healthy food for me and no one to feed Russell for me and no one to comfort me when I'm sick and no one to greet me when I get home! *Starts sobbing uncontrollably* I can't call her and ask her how she is because I'll start brawling and begging her to come back immediently. *sighs* This is such a perfect time for someone to start belting out "I need a hero".

My hands are all cracked and diseased looking! I'm like way, way allergic to detergent. And yet, I have to wash so many dishes! Dawnie is not doing anything! All she's doing is making an even bigger mess than the mess that's already there. This bothers me because... I'm the one that Pa nags at! *Growls*

You know what I need? I need something very alcoholic.

Anyway, Pa came back from Paris today! *Grins* (Business trips to Paris usually means pressies!) Yup! And Pa bought all of us diamond pendents! Haha... Shall wear it 24/7. If I were something all the time, I won't lose it will I? Typically, I got the one with the least diamonds. But hey! The one with lots of diamonds was very old looking! So I'm quite happy with my new pendent.

My flu is so killing me...

*written @ 9:02 午後.

木曜日, 12月 08, 2005

*Sees computer* "It's a computer! At last! Something to make my life less miserable than it already is!" *Runs and kisses the moniter* Haha... You have no idea how long I haven't seen a working computer in my house.

I have come to a sharp realisation that I need to have a maid in my house! I can't survive without one! I have been getting up at unearthly hours since Sunday! I'm tired... *Starts sobbing hysterically* I've been using all my free time to sleep. And even so, it's still not enough! I look like a freaking zombie.

*written @ 9:33 午後.

木曜日, 12月 01, 2005

I had a rather animated conversation with myself some where today.
Me: I wonder what's the date today... *yells to no one in particular*:"Eh! What's the date today?" *No one replies* *reaches for handphone* Oh... it's 1st December. *Puts handphone down* "WHAT?! It's already December?! How can this be?! I haven't done anything that I wanted to do yet! ARGH! What happened to my holiday?! School starts in like 31 days!" *Realises that I sound like a crazy woman and frantically starts doing maths*
This unfortunate incident prompts me to confirm that time does indeed pass faster as one grows older.

At about this time last year, I would have been sitting in front of the computer slowing savouring my cheese toast, and feeling hopelessly sick of the holiday. But now? I haven't even been able to wake up naturally! (Which will be around 2 in the afternoon) I have been waking up to a irritating beeping alarm clock since my holiday started! And, I still have to put up with crap from a certain teacher! I always thought that holidays was supposed to give teachers and students a break from the crap that they put each other through. Apparently, I am wrong.

*Sigh* On the 6th, I have this stupid (And I mean stupid) council activity at Downtown East at 7.45 am (Guess who planned it? I can't get out of it unless I am going overseas. Anyone has a private jet to lend me?). What is it supposed to do? It's supposed to foster teamwork and closeness in council. The only thing I can say is, "What bullshit?!" Please, most people in council can't stand me because I am not like them(How superficial is that?). Just because I don't see the point in writing proposals and doing rubbish presentations on what my department is doing, means that I am intolerable. Besides, we (The councillors) have this little back-stabbing game we play to amuse ourselves. It's really a situation of we all hate each other but we don't show it. As long as you don't show hate to the person you hate, it's perfectly fine as it's a form of respect. Sadly, Miss-I-suck-at-badminon-but-I'm-only-in-it-because-I-want-to-flirt-with-the-captain-of-the-boy's-team (Georgiana) seems to be devoid of such respect. She actually bitched about me in my presence, to one of my good friends! Argh... Nevermind.

Fascinating, how blogging changes your mood?

*written @ 8:19 午後.