金曜日, 3月 31, 2006
*/

Madam Rohana is possibly the most irritating teacher ever. Like, ever!

Here's what happened:
1. *Jeannette whips out a black marker and starts scribbling on the table*
2. *Me, being curious, looks over*
3. Saw : I miss her and I love her but she won't go out with me
4. Jeannette wrote "LOSER" next to it.
5. Laughed at the table
6. Heard Madam Rohana say :" Aileen! GET OUT!"

EXCUSE ME?! What did I do? Huh? Tell me. I didn't even laugh very loudly! All I said was, "Ha!" And I got yelled at to get out. Unreasonable no? I don't understand why when she PMSes, she must give everyone hell. Well, but in the end I said " I'm sorry. I'll listen now." But she was feeling mean, so she demanded me to sit somewhere else. Bah.

I have made my decision! *Dramatic pause* I have decided that I will go to Australia to further my studies, instead of staying in Singapore and wasting time and money and effort in being a flop. Besides, I have so much more choices in Australia and I can do anything I want. *Beams* I am hoping to do jewellery design or fashion design or law or anything that interests me at that time. Plus, I DON'T NEED TO CARE ABOUT COUNCIL ANYMORE!!! *Grins with glee* I don't need my cca points because I am most definitely not going to JC! Whahahahaha.... Although, it is a bit of a pity that I can never fulfill my dream of going to St Andrew's Junior College.

And another thing, the Aileen and Leonard thing is not funny! It's.... Annoying! Leonard is.... Leonard! I mean, he is so not my type. Plus! I don't care if he likes me or not. His my friend and he teaches me maths and lets me copy his homework, and he is very nice to me. So... this Leonard and Aileen thing is getting on my nerves! And please... The Gabriel Soh and Aileen thing is completely non-existant. He tries to crack my finger bones and I can't fight back (No strength).

Classmates can be really exasperating.

*written @ 10:20 午後.

木曜日, 3月 30, 2006
*/

Des came over today! *Beams* Haha... It's been so long since I last saw her. She has really changed a lot! Become pretty already! *Laughs* It kinda feels funny to see her so grown up and taller than me! I still remember the time I was the tallest of the bunch... *Sigh* Sweet memories...

Till we meet again!

*written @ 7:56 午後.

水曜日, 3月 29, 2006
*/

Please don't ask me for answers... I don't know! I really don't know! All my life, I've tried to make myself feel like I have a worth and the more you push me around, the more I feel I don't. Can't you see? How much stress this is giving me? Can't you see that I've finally gotten my life back on track, and I want it to stay that way?!

I know that I can't do anything useful. All I can do is waste time and crap and draw rubbish pictures and write poems that are just as rubbish as I am! I know that! I just want to do something that I like. Why can't anyone just let me do that? I try so hard to not be a disappointment. But I still am. I'm sorry that I can't do anything! I'm sorry that I'm not like you! I can't go to Hwa Chong JC or to Temesek Poly to do Biotechnology. Can't you understand?! I don't want to. All I ask, is that everyone just let me be me.

I don't care what Mummy wants. I don't care if she wants me to go to university. She never understood... For once, I want to not be forced into anything. Do you actually think that I enjoy piano? After all the insults, the belittlement, did you actually think that I had the strength to put up with it? There is only so much I can take. It stings like hell, when you tell me that I play with no feeling when I put all my effort into it. It cuts like ice when you call it noise. Grade 8? What's the point? Half a million people are grade 8.

What will happen to my effort if I go to Australia? Let a decade of practice go up in smoke?

I don't know.

*written @ 9:05 午後.

*/

All I do nowadays is wait. Just! Wait... Can you imagine how incredibly annoying it is? Wait for life as I know it to end, wait for love, wait for my doom to finally come, always waiting and it never ends.

I'm truly sorry that I can't be perfect. I long to be, I long so much that it hurts. But I'm sorry, I can't. My results are rubbish! I know that... They are always rubbish. Why do you always believe in me, but only tell me so when I'm on the verge of killing myself? Why do you yell at me when you're irritated? And, why is everything my fault?

I hate myself so much sometimes. So much that Jia yu once said to me "I'm sorry that you're life is so sad." See? Even someone I can't stand indirectly calls me pathetic. I try so hard to be there for everyone when they need me, so why can't anyone ever be there for me? 10 points... I don't even know if I can achieve that. I don't even know where I want to go! The future is so dim. I can't even do what I like, which is fashion designing. My sisters say that I suck at it, even Sherry says that I suck at it. Just another dream that slipping out of my grip and going down the drain. My dreams love doing that! What else can I do? I can't write poems for a living! No one really enjoys them anyway.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see... nothing. Just the reflection of things behind me. Even I can see through myself.


Don't love me. I don't deserve it. And I never did.

*written @ 6:26 午後.

火曜日, 3月 28, 2006
*/

As A Part Of Me

I sit alone on a clear moonless night
Watching as a red moon emerges to my sight
It spells my doom, I know it's true
Now I feel like such a fool

Black red aura, cold and blue
As it bleeds the blood of its victims
As it bleeds the blood of me

Stained-glass windows are their lifeness
Masked by pretty paints and sparkles
Look upon them and you see death
Shaded by fake friendly faces

A brown curse suffocates me
Draining my essence in its course
Everything I breathe upon is silver
As I do what I am forced

Clanking of chains silent yet deafening
Wilted flowers it leaves in its wake
Through a tarnished flute they travel
As diseases so speed wind

The germs on which upon them
Kill me from the inside
My eyes scream agony
And they look on with pride

Like plague they are
As poisoned apples they will always be
Without remorse, with mercy
They all deserve to never be

Aileen

A big hug for the perswon who manages the guess what it's about!

*written @ 10:01 午後.

月曜日, 3月 27, 2006
*/

*Ahem* Clarence just called me fucked up. Well, I think he was calling me but he may have been refering to the overall situation. But I think he was calling me fucked up. Now, I will not be stupid and childish and say it back but I will say :" That hurt! That really, truly hurt! How could you! I didn't even do anything!" It happened like this: He was trying to send me this Chopin song that he is crazy about, but everytime I accepted the sending, my computer jammed. I use a laptop so I can't accept big files like music. But he wouldn't listen! He kept trying to send and send and send! I couldn't accept it because I didn't want my computer to lag! I refused to accept it and he just said "fucked up". I presume that it was refering to me. Shouldn't it be?

Whatever. I am not the one who is OBSESSED about Chopin, I know that he was a great composer but I'm just not interested. I'm sorry that I'm not as talented as you and that I had to work for twelve years and take every single piano exam just to be where I am now. Can't you respect that?! Can't you just stop rubbing it in that you are better than me in doing the thing I long to be able to do but can't?! It hurts... It hurts so much.

I hope you're happy!

*written @ 7:10 午後.

日曜日, 3月 26, 2006
*/

It has come to my attention that there has been this disgusting japanese porn ad that has been popping up on my blog. ARGH!! I am really , really (x300) sorry if you have seen that ad! I didn't know that it was on my blog because for some reason, I can't see it. Although I am highly interested to see what it potrays. Hm...

Ah yes! Sorry that I haven't been blogging lately! I know that everyone was looking forward to the post about the concert (I typed it halfway and then the internet decided to disconnect! I waited for ages for it to re-connect but it didn't! So... having given up, I closed the blogger window. And then! The stupid internet decided to conect again! Why that lil....) And about my Bangkok trip, the internet was just plain being irritating.

But there was one thing I will never forget about that trip- my very first aroma massage! I thought it was going to be really fun! Until I got shown into a room and the massuse told me to take all my clothes off. Immediently: STRESS I've never been naked in front of anyone but myself and occasionally, my sisters. And I'm not even comfortable doing that! I had to be naked in front of a stranger! *Eyes widen at the memory* I spent most of the time feeling stressed because I'm not the kind of people who can just sit around and do nothing. I do my favourite hobby, I think. Literally! I just think of things! I think until I get myself so stressed, I have a complete mental breakdown. Then I recover and start getting myself stressed again! Haha... But the massage was really really good! Especially the back massage part. Whoa... But I kinda feel a bit violated. I mean, the person touched my butt! Then again, everyone touches my butt. Hm...

Oh yeah! Big news! If I don't wear my tie properly, I won't get my points. Wow... I'm so scared. Can't you just see me cowering with fear? *laughs with contempt* Oh oh! And instead of evaluating my sec 2 and sec 3 council work, they choose to evaluate the time in which I have already stepped down to the time of my graduation. Stupid right?! Let's all laugh together! You can't take away my points because of my attire or because you think that I'm a bitch. Why? BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL!! Whahahahahahahaha*laughs crazily* Besides, I may be a bitch, but I'm only a bitch to people like you. Besides, Mr Eugene Wong (Yes! His my Ex council teacher whom I love and respect very much) said to kelly that is crap. HA!

I love you, my Princess Sherry, even if he doesn't, I will always do. Haha... It kinda sounds bad.

Thou shall not shed tears for a heart whom is impure.

*written @ 9:36 午後.

木曜日, 3月 16, 2006
*/

Me: I'm feeling xian.
Sherry: Sian? How come? Duckie's meeting us for dinner. Said he'll call us on the way.
Me: *In amazement of how Sherry has managed to get everything sorted out* I'm xian because I can't wear my favourite shoes.

I don't get it. How come Sherry gets treated better than me? How can they make me run around in circles and sit down patiently for Sherry to finish sorting everything out? Bah.

*written @ 12:39 午後.

水曜日, 3月 15, 2006
*/

I wonder... Why do people always screw up all my plans at the last minute?! Bah. I really don't understand. I truly don't. Do they have not decency?! I put in so much effort in planning, in organising, in making sure everyone has as little worries about it as possible. And what do I get? Everything getting screwed up at the last minute! I now see why Sherry is not looking forward to tomorrow. This stupid concert is giving me hell lot of stress, can't anybody tell?I mean, all you have to do is turn up! How difficult is that?! I had to organise what time to meet, how to get to Victoria Concert Hall, what to do if we can't find it, where to meet who, where to have dinner, I even had to give advice on what to wear! Can't people be a little bit more cooperative? Plus, I have just found out that Cas can't be my plus one for the night, she has to keep Sulin company. I really don't want to go anymore.

Just don't go if you don't want to. Maybe then, we'll all get what we want. Don't put me through this. Just don't.

And I always thought I was the selfish one.

*written @ 6:32 午後.

火曜日, 3月 14, 2006
*/

Jie is extremely disturbed that the first thing I would buy if I won the lottery is Manolo Blahniks! Wahahahahahaha.... *Laughs till stomach hurts* But, why should anyone be disturbed by that? She's wondering if she's let me watch way too much Sex And The City. My answer : probably yes. But I love it! It makes me cynical, and... I don't know... teaches me lots of interesting crap? Hahaha...

I wonder why Sherry is not looking forward to Thursday. I am! It's going to be so fun! (I think/hope)

So are the confessions of a crazed mind.

You know you love me!

So you don't.

Do I look like I care?

*written @ 6:59 午後.

月曜日, 3月 13, 2006
*/

How many keys are on your keychain?
2. One for the main gate and door.

What curse word do you use the most?
I don't really curse anymore, but when I do, it's fuck.

Do you own an iPod?
Yes! A shuffle that I love lots.

What time is your alarm clock set for?
6.08am (I hate school)

How many suitcases do you own?
None.

Do you wear flip-flops even when it’s cold outside?
Since when is it ever cold outside?!

Where do you buy your groceries from?
Supermarkets!

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
Depends on whether I'm feeling photogenic or not...

What was the last movie you watched?
Miss Congeniality 2 on DVD.

Do any of your friends have children?
No. I'd be really disturbed if they did.

If you won the lottery, what’s the first thing you would buy?
Er... MANOLO BLAHNIKS.

Has anyone ever called you lazy?
Duh. Everyone i know.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
Sometimes... But aspirin doesn't really work anymore.

What CD is currently in your CD player?
Maroon 5

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
CHOCOLATE! Chocolate makes the world go round.

Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I think so... but I forgot.

When was the last time someone hit on you?
It's been a while :p

What did you have for dinner?
Beef noodles! *slurp*

Do you wear hoodies often?
Er... What are they?

Can you whistle?
Yup! But not the fingers in the mouth kind.

Have you ever participated in a protest?
Against Mr Cheng? HELL YEAH.

Who was the last person to call you?
The person I hated in primary school. Hui Yi.

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
ROLLER-COASTERS RULE.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Yes, but I don't really care.

What area code are you in right now?
529869

Did you watch cartoons as a child?
I'm still a child! If only I could find the time... *sigh*

How big is your local mall?
If I know it inside out, it isn't very big.

How many siblings do you have?
2 jies

Are you shy around the opposite sex?
Nope. In fact, most of the people I hang out with are guys.

What is your biggest regret?
I dunno... screwing up every single exam I ever took?

Have you ever had Jamba Juice?
What!?

When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt?
Friday I think... Wei Ming and the underpants... Hahahahaha

What movie do you know every line to?
Interview with a vampire, Lilo and stitch.

Do you own any band t-shirts?
Yup! From Red Rain.

When was your last plane ride?
Erm... Last march

How many chairs are at your dining room table?
6

What is your favorite salad dressing?
I don't eat salad.

Do you read for fun?
Yes, but mostly magazines

Can you speak any languages other than English?
Chinese and my own creation.

Do you do your own dishes?
When I have to.

What color is your bedroom painted?
Boring white. Why won't anyone let me paint it black?

Have you ever cried in public?
Define public.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Laptop

Which do you make: wishes or plans?
Wishes. Plans never seem to work out.

Are you always trying to learn new things?
I like learning new things, but my interest usually doesn't hold for long

Do you shower on a daily basis?
Well duh.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
A piercing on my belly button! Haha... And more on my ears and a tattoo on my hip!

Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
Yes! But whether I will let him is a different story.

Can you skip rocks?
I have no idea.

Have you ever been to Jamaica?
No.

What do you like to snack on at the movie theatres?
Salty, buttery popcorn

Who was your favorite teacher?
Was? Hm... I can't remember

What is the weather like?
(looking out the window) seems breezy and not too hot

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
He'll have to blow me away with his personality first.

Do you have an online journal?
Yes! Whoo-hoo!

What was your favorite class in high school?
PE

Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
Depending on what class it is.

What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
Kind and makes me laugh

Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
No... unfortunately, all the unattractive people I know come with equally unattractive personalities

When was the last time you slept on the floor?
At sec 3 camp.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Champange

Does your closest Starbucks have a drive-thru?
No.

Do you like your living arrangement?
YES

What is your mother’s hometown?
Heaven

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
6

Do you eat breakfast daily?
without fail

What was the last thing to scare you?
I dunno leh. I don't scare easily.

Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class?
Yup... but not often. I get in trouble for sleeping though.

What is your favorite fruit?
CHERRIES!

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
16.. sweet 16

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
I'm fine with both.

Would you ever sky dive?
HELL YEAH

Do you enjoy giving hugs?
It's my favourite thing to do.

Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
Why not?

Do you think you're attractive?
I have no idea

What are you allergic to?
School, mud, seawater

*written @ 5:38 午後.

日曜日, 3月 12, 2006
*/

One thing about me is funny: Waking up early to go to church gives me huge eye-bags, but I still do it anyway. Hahaha... Even though I'm tired like hell, I still manage to enjoy myself tremendously (Did I say say tremendously? Oh my...) Well... Except that the pressense of Elliot gets me a bit annoyed. *Bleah*

I am way looking forward to thursday! Band concert band concert! Aiden Aiden Aiden! *starts giggling crazily* I have just realised how awfully bimbotic I just sounded. Nevermind.

I love you Ritsuka!

*written @ 9:58 午後.

木曜日, 3月 09, 2006
*/

Just look at those Jimmy Choos! Aren't they just beautiful?

ARGH! I want! (Jimmy choo)

I love mary-janes! Well... but not in this colour. In black!
(Manolo blahnik)
NICE! (Manolo blahnik)

*written @ 6:21 午後.

火曜日, 3月 07, 2006
*/

I have lost my application for my theory exam. HOW CAN I SIT HERE CALMLY AND TYPE THIS?! I was on the verge of tears... I panicked and panicked and went through all my papers and turned the entire house upside down. And I still couldn't find it. *tear balances on eyelid* Why? I don't even understand! How could it just disappear like that?

In the end, I was on the brink of throwing myself out of the window. So I decided that I may not be the only stupid person who lost her envelop. So, I called the ABRSM company. Unfortunately, it was closed. I'll have to try tomorrow! Wah... HOW?! What happens if I don't find it?

Oh Lord, I know I should wait. But it's so difficult! I know that God works in his own time, but I'm just so frantic. I don't know what to do... Help me, help me please.

In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.

*written @ 7:43 午後.

日曜日, 3月 05, 2006
*/

I wonder... What does it feel like to be kissed?

Haha! I know that's it really random, but... What is it like? I asked Sherry, but all she could do was giggle like an idiot and protest indignently that she doesn't know. -.-" Yeah right! I mean, kissing sounds gross. It's the fastest way to spread diseases! Can you just imagine your saliva mixing with someone's elses? Mixing around in your mouth. *Bleah*

Yesterday, I asked someone "So... What did your first kiss feel like?" Yeah, you've guessed it. All she did was giggle and stop and giggle somemore. What is with these people?! I always believed/wanted to believe that my first kiss would be something like the movies- the perfect atmosphere, timing, person, state of mind blah blah blah... And it was kinda hurtful to find out that it wasn't really what I had believed it it would be for her. It's so saddening! I spent an hour co-ercing her to tell me, and the result was so disappointing.

In youth, Tina asked us to write down three animals and their characteristics.
Mine:
1. Dog: cute, loyal, fun
2. Dolphin: Cheery, active, noisy
3. Unicorn : Beautiful, pure, mystical

A while later, I found out that the first one decribes myself, the second describes my partner and the third describes our relationship.

It is confirmed that I am the only one within all my friends who has never had a boyfriend. I'm pretty proud of it! Plus, it looks like I'm in for a treat! Hahaha...

*written @ 5:11 午後.

土曜日, 3月 04, 2006
*/

I miss my past. Even though it was cold and empty, it clings on to me like nothing I can handle. I bury it deep inside me, only for it to resurface at the oddest of times. My childhood wasn't feace the carefree, happy one that most people expect. I was the irritating sister, the worthless daughter who could never get better academic results than her cousins. The one with no talent or likability to speak of.

Yet, why do I miss it? I miss the way my mother used to say my name. The way she used to call me. I'll never be able to hear it again. It irks me that I can no longer remember her voice, her face. It disgusts me that I could not see the love she showered on me.

I hate it when people distort my name, the name which I was so lovingly given. I hate it when people write it as Ai Leen or Ai Lin or Ai Ling or anything like that. I don't know why, but it just makes me angry. Write my name right or don't write it at all!

It just gets me pissed. Don't ask me why.

*written @ 3:36 午後.

水曜日, 3月 01, 2006
*/

SINS WE EXPECT

I hate this world we live in
For it is dark and full of sin
Teachers demand respect from us
So why do they always win?

I cannot bear the unfairness
That it's always our fault but never theirs
They sometimes abuse their power
Moving us like their potted flowers

They teach us about metaphors
Yet they can't understand
The sin they give us, the guilt they use
To condem us through and through

Classrooms are as torture chambers
Cold and full of despair
Their selfishness is comendable
If they be villians of that sort

Why do they do this?
Only Heaven knows
The pain they give us
And the pain we inflict back

Aileen

Do not believe everything you hear about teachers. If they didn't have four limbs, two eyes, a nose and a mouth, I'd swear ferverently that they aren't human. Unfortunately for me, they are. Bah. Most of my teachers anyway. Shamefully and pitifully, human. *Sigh* Nevermind! let's just classify teachers in another catagory of "human". The Nice and the Completely evil.

Danny said one thing that made me change my impression of the Adam Khoo course. That thing was :" Your teachers treat you badly because you treat them like that." Yeah right! *Shakes head furiously* You can't deny that some teachers have an attitude problem. Like, Mr Lew! He blames my badminton team for everything. Even when he was acting nice and giving us this keychain thing when we stepped down, he still condemed us in front of the juniors! He even rubbed in the thing about Georgiana. (He yelled at her to go home in front of everyone in the TKGS hall and complained about us to Crystal the whole day) Much as I dislike Georgiana, I have to admit that it really, truly was not a fault. Mr Lew was way over-reacting. Plus, Mr Sim and the stupid blog thing. -.- Sorry to say that in the end, I still won.

However, I'd have to say that the teacher who has the most mood swings is Madam Erlis. Today, she came and yelled at us over our seating arrangement. Do you how much effort I put in to be able to get the perfect seating area? (Beside Cassandra, nearby Jasmin, behind Gabriel Soh and beside Shing Chun) But no... We had to follow Mrs Vijay's (english teacher) little whims. Madam Erlis :" We gave you all chances and respect, so stop being childish and change!" Fine, we are noisy, but does that give the teachers power to treat 40 (Kenneth Yau is so not worth including) of us like potted plants and command us to move? We gave them the respect and quietness we thought they were worth, all we ever asked in return was to be left as we are. Xin Yi got scolded because she voiced out her opinions on the unimportance of attire. I agree totally. If I had piercings like everywhere and tatoos all over and blond hair and make-up on and AIDS and I smoke, but if I tuck in my shirt, I'm a good kid? Well... If you think that way. Appearences are only skin deep. Isn't that what we were taught? I mean, look at Jeanette Aw! She can be all stupid and bimbotic and wear her bikini and stroll around, but she has a degree in mass communications. Please... Just practice what you preach.

It is not true that if a teacher is treated badly, the students are at fault. If a teacher treats you nicely, would you bully her? I'm sure the answer is no. Look at Miss Nawal! Ask any of her students :"Who's your favourite teacher?" The answer would be Miss Nawal. Although she does PMS sometimes, she does not scream at us for no reason. Heck, she doesn't scream at us at all. Even if I get F9 for my Add Maths, I will still come back and thank Miss Nawal for all the effort she's put into teaching me.

On second thought, teachers are just weirdos with no life. Well, good teachers usually have no life. But teachers who whine a lot and blame the class for everything, *cough* Miss *cough* Thong do. Well! Pick one! The future of a hundred student or a sad sad life of offending them.

I love freaking Sherry out.

*written @ 6:33 午後.